FINAL blog!

This is my final blog entry... of 2010 that is! While reflecting on my various writing this past year on this blog and the notes I have posted directly to facebook, I have come to several conclusions.

1. I find that I love much of what I have written , there is no poster's remorse.

2. I am deeply encouraged by other's responses. So if you've ever read something I've written and commented - I thank you. I don't respond very well to my responders but I appreciate it more than you realize.

3. I am saddened at how little I wrote throughout the year. I simply didn't make it a priority. I find this to be annoying.

4. My prayer remains the same that God would continue to inspire me to write and hopefully to bless others.

But enough about my writing. There are more important things to discuss like the new year we are about to embark upon. Many people enjoy partying it up at the end of the year. If you are one of those folks, I hope you have a great time! But I also hope you spend some time reflecting upon this last year. We will never fully grow and change without thoughtful and prayerful reflection of where we've been. We cannot stay in the past for we must always journey on; but pushing forward without reflection will result in stunted growth.

Here are a few questions to ponder:

Where have you been this past year? Where were you successes and joys found? Where were your failures and pain? Don't think about what you would have changed, instead ponder what you CAN change for this coming year. Reflect upon your relationship with God. Have you drawn close to Him or have you chosen to not engage Him? Where has this left you? In 3 words or less, how would you characterize your last year? Where do you want to be on December 31st, 2011 - form plans based on this thought instead of glorious intentions that may fail within the first few weeks. What three words would you like to characterize 2011? Invite God into your reflection time, I believe he has things he would love to reveal to you.

Happy end of 2010 friends! May the adventure of 2011 begin!

Rest

When I'm near you, nothing else matters.

It doesn't matter that my blog only has 4 readers.

Nope, it just doesn't.

When I'm near you, my soul finds the true rest that it constantly seeks.

Your love, Your gentle touch, and Your acceptance.

I remember briefly the times when I used to spend hours at your feet

and it was never enough.

Now a few minutes feels like forever and I grow restless.

How things have changed. I am sorry, but you just love me.

You don't ask me to be anything I'm not.

You ask me to bring everything that I am.

The offering is small but I remember the loaves and the fish.

I remember that you can grow a small offering.

So I offer you my heart. It is a small gift, but I pray you would make it grow.

Quit trying

I have spent as long as I can remember TRYING to achieve. I'm about ready to throw that concept out the window and simply start living. Maybe I don't care that I won't be able to keep up with the Jones. So what if everyone I meet is farther along than me....I can't keep up and I'm tired of trying.

What's the point of trying to get somewhere if I can't enjoy any of the ride? Seems a bit futile. I'm about ready to CRAWL out of my skin right now. I feel as if I'm going crazy. I have so many dreams and aspirations that I cannot complete. I am lonelier than ever and running at an inhuman speed...for WHAT?!

I have already been promised eternity by my Savior and Redeemer. Maybe I should start knowing Him. I want heaven to be about truly coming home....I don't want to feel like an outsider.

I used to sit at His feet but then I started getting busy with life. Suddenly life became my focus and I no longer spent any time getting warmed by the fire. My biggest concern is I no longer remember how to quiet my mind, heart, and emotions long enough to get the flame burning. It's cold out here, Jesus please light the fire.

Something you did not know about me! :)

Meet Virginia by Train. I cannot begin to explain my love of this song with you. When I think of Virginia, I think of a woman who so desperately believes she knows what it is she desires but as soon she can grip it, she screams out refuting this very desire. I know this dichotomy well. I have long believed in so many of my own desires but the minute it gets a bit challenging - all I want to do is scream out! "I don't want this! Stop, I do NOT want this!!!! "

Passion! A life lived with perhaps misunderstood passion. The minute I begin to feel melancholy, my heart sings this song and this one particular lyric - "I don't really want to live this life." Not in a depressed fashion..just a frustration factor.

I also really love this song because she is painted so....real. She appears real and is loved within all of her realities - the good and bad. We all should be so lucky to be loved like the singer expresses love for Virginia.

I also think we should all be so brave as to share with the world who we really are. We are all a mixture of beauty and brokenness. I also so desire to share that perfect combo of others with the world. I haven't met a person I really dislike. There are times I dislike how a person gets under my skin and my emotions related to then. But people are so beautiful when they allow you to unfold who they really are. All of the brokenness is simply waiting for the beautiful redemption.

So let's be REAL people. Reality is always always always better than a false perfection.

Jesus loves us in our brokenness. As we lend our hearts to our Redeemer, He brings out the beauty from beneath the ashes of all of our pain, sin, and broken imperfections.

Simple thought on life

If I could share with you just one thing today it would be -

Happiness is not promised today. Face the day with boldness. The joys and sorrows of this life will come and sometimes the pain may catch you by surprise. When the pain creeps in, turn your eyes to your Savior. His grace and love will catch you.

Purposeful Placement

I laughed at a quote the other day that talked about purposely placing yourself in the presence of God. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had heard of. After all, God is God. I have no ability to make him draw near to me. But tonight after a crazy day following a crazy few days and straight in the midst of more craziness to come. I made a choice. I needed Him. So I "tuned" into the One who Never leaves my side. I opened my heart to the love that He constantly awaits to give. And at least in this moment- I understand a bit better the concept of purposely placing yourself near Him. It's all about a willing heart. He could choose to not be present but those are the times I need to choose to wait.

God is good. And oh, how He indeed loves us.

Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

WHOA

What is reality?
Our minds are vast and easily misconstrue.
Why is there so much misunderstanding between people?
Easy: perceptions, actions, and conversations all leave much room for
interpretation.

When our minds go to misleading thoughts - our perceptions go wild with attempts to rationalize and prove our own understandings. Even if they are totally and utterly WRONG!

This is a scary truth. Our lives leave wide open the room for interpretation. There is a TON of room for our minds, emotions, and perceptions to flat out lie to us. Crazy, eh? That's not even including the many lies that our friends and enemies tell us. That doesn't include the lies satan can lead us down.

Listening to these lies will lead us to paths of destruction. Not always death but broken relationships, fears, compromise, unlived potential, and much much more. Haven't you ever experienced a moment where you talked yourself into or out of something? Of course you have- we all have!

I believe the worst lie we can make ourselves believe is that their is no truth, only our understanding and perceptions of reality. This lie has led many people to totally give up the search for truth. For you see, there is truth but it is not found within ourselves. We can never understand truth on our own. Never. Left to our own devices, I would have to agree with this lie - we can never understand real truth.

Praise be to God - there is another way! There is a way out of the confusion, out of the misunderstanding, out of the fear, and out of the darkness. There is an answer out of all this mess. We find the source of truth in John 14:15 - Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. Did you catch it? Jesus is truth.

Please listen to me. We must seek Jesus Christ to understand life and our reality. He paved the way for a life free from the lies around us. He is the source of the answers we seek. When life seems dark - turn to him. He will remove your lack of understanding and give you true understanding. The bible talks about this in 2 Corinthians 3:16-18 But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

It is my prayer that we would all begin to live true lives of freedom. The freedom that is found in Christ. The freedom that is found in living in an understanding of truth. There is not enough room in this blog for me to write of this truth. It is found written clearly in the Bible. Right now if you are reading this - please know one thing. What you seek is found in Jesus Christ. He is not a fictional story, He is not a dead man, He is God. He is your source. Ask Him and He will reveal himself to you.

Little Peak into my heart

Mixture of emotions floating down the pipe.
Feeling content and peaceful
wanting more of you.
split second passes, I take a glance around.
Lovers surround me with eyes for one another.
Children fill their quivers, blessings easy to see.
Longings threatens to creep in -
will I ever share this life?
But you are right beside me,
bringing truth to light.
this life is special when shared with you.
Holy Spirit within:
guiding and leading
Drawn to your love,
comforted in your grace.

Now I stand Reminded -
this life is GREAT because of you!

Thank you Lord (and I mean it!)

Thank you Lord for :

My mouth that gets me into trouble for saying the wrong or hurtful thing.
My attitude which builds a gap between us until you lead me to repent.
My bank account which is never where it needs to be.
My abilities for they never quite meet or exceed those around me.
My mind which tends to forget about loving everyone I care for.
My lack of ability to properly manage my life, time, appetite, or finances.
My indecisiveness which leads me to missing out on opportunities.
My fears which remind me of my weakness.
My emotions which when uncontrolled take me on wild trips.
My lack of confidence which many times has stunted my actions.

Thank you for all of these things (and many more).
For all of these weaknesses and lacking areas reminds me all the more that I undoubtedly NEED you.
Be it through success or failure Lord - keep drawing me closer to you!

A Pilgrim's Heart Cry

You alone
are my true faithful friend.
I know no one else that loves like you.

So right now,
I lift my eyes to you.
For though it is large,
That mountain is far away
You will guide my every step.

Day by day
I vow to turn to you.
And with each passing hour
may my eyes of faith grow clearer still.

From you alone,
comes the strength to possess this faith.
So when I wander Lord,
direct my eyes.

Oh my worthy guide
I know that you will guard my heart.
So each passing day its fulfillment is found
in you.

With my eyes and heart
safe in your arms.
I know my steps will be firmly placed.

Though I fear in this moment,
help me remember
where my eyes should be cast.

Someday I will not need this faith,
when your glorious plans fall into place.
You will stand for all to see.
The King of kings and Prince of Peace.

But oh until that day,
guide me Jesus.
Guide me today.

Yet another letter

I'm sorry I've taken you for granted.
I'm sorry that while I despise how the craziness of our lives gets in the way - I sadly carry on as if it HAS to be this way.
I'm sorry that I don't cherish the precious few moments we have together.
I'm sorry that more often than not I'm looking around the corner for the next person or next adventure, never realizing that I'm in the middle of an adventure!
I'm sorry that I don't show you how amazing you are.
I'm sorry for the million and one kind thoughts, gestures or deeds that were left undone because I put them off.

I'm sorry that I stay so consumed into my world that I forget to look into your eyes and see how you are doing.

And if you are reading this...yes, this note is written to you, and my Savior, and all the rest I have neglected.

Facebook Letter

Dearest Facebook -

It's been brought to my attention that you are destroying my life and free time. While I am aware that much of this is my fault, I am afraid we have to break up. Yes, we can still be friends. I find you to be a useful social networking tool and event planner. I enjoy keeping up with my friends and communicating short messages to my friends. However, this constant connecting that you and I seem to be doing must come to an end. I know you have come to expect my little visits throughout the day and prolonged stays in the evening. I'm afraid this just cannot remain. I need to see other activities and people. For example, my best friend Jesus has been feeling much of the lack due to our continuous time together. He is FAR more important to me than yourself though even I have to wonder the truth of that statement based off of my recent choice of how I've spent my free time.

It seems funny how our relationship has progressed. At first, you were just a fun tool to connect and see how many people I could find. Then slowly but surely you continued to add gadgets and gizmos that allowed me to connect with friends from all around the world. You have allowed me into their world through their profiles, photos, shared links, and perhaps most profoundly their thoughts at any given moment through their statuses. While this has given me a felt connection into their worlds, I have continued to feel a lack of "true" connection and community. I know it may be hard for you to understand but relationships between people actually do exist outside of the mighty web of the internet.

I will still visit you, more than likely daily, but you may notice a difference in how I treat you. You are no longer the master of my time as I am now choosing to control the amount of time I spend online. I hope you understand. Please don't allow this to make you sad. After all, can't you hear what I'm really saying to you? It's not you, it's me.

Thanks for the memories,

Stacey

More thoughts on death

So often my mind is willing to embrace death as the final act. I'm a bit morbid, I'll admit and there have been various occasions where a clean jump off a cliff seems like an excellent idea. But that is embracing death as an ESCAPE. An escape from the troubles and problems of life. An escape from the emotions and feelings that threaten to haunt every action and decision I make.

There is no honor or integrity when death for the sole purpose of escape is sought out.

But then when I continue to ponder the death that Jesus spoke of, I realize that there is so much more to it than escape. Pursuing the death of self is about self-denial, love towards others, and the death of personal pride. The death of self is about walking for Christ and the betterment of others as opposed to myself.

Walking out a life (in death) is extraordinarily difficult but extremely worthwhile. For as you cease pursuit of selfish desires you open yourself up to love and sacrifice. The true way of our Lord.

Life through death

"Jesus promised us life unto the fullest!" - sings the preachers and well wishers

Yes, that is indeed true. Jesus's life, death, and resurrection does indeed mean that his followers will have life!

Unfortunately, we fail to sing forth the twin truth that Jesus taught us that out of death, springs forth life! Out of an obedience and willingness to deny self and follow Him will be the foundation of our life.

What does this mean?
First of all, it means there is more to life than our comfort and possessions. A lot more. It also means that while God has promises us many good things - we also MUST accept a life and calling that is difficult and hard.

Moments

There's a country song by Emerson Drive. Here is a taste of their lyrics for Moments

"I've had my moments, days in the sun
Moments I was second to none
Moments when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do"

I had one of those moments today! One of those moments where greatness is literally at your fingertips. Only, it wasn't my moment at all. I just had the opportunity to be present for this moment for another person. I am so totally amazed at how God has gifted people! I'm still sitting here astounded by it all. To be in the present moment of greatness....amazing.

Greatness is truly reached when love and mercy triumph.

Just an age old story of a frog

I just want to cry or scream or jump up and down. Since I have no outlet for these things...I write.

oh the story of that ill-fated frog. Happily he jumps into the water that is filled with water cool to the touch. It's perfect. Happily he sits. Unbeknown to him, a human has him in a pot on the stove! Slowly, degree by degree the heat is turned up. The frog barely notices since the change is ever so slight until it is TOO late. He is dead because he didn't pay attention to the slow subtle changes of his environment.

Will this be the story for the church of Christ in America? Are we becoming too casual with the environment around us to not even notice how the ideals of our culture are becoming our own?

Jesus will save His church before the water burns us alive but boy I wish we as a group could wake up and jump out of this pot of mediocrity and accepting of the status quo into a world where there is danger around every corner but we survive by trusting in Jesus!

Annie

Annie grew up believing she was never good enough.
She was never picked to play on the kickball team.
Actually, she lost all the playground games.
She managed to begin various activities;
track, tennis, piano, chess, etc.
She never made the cut.
She never made the team.

But little Annie grew older.
The playground games diminished.
The stakes grew larger.
Suddenly it was her boyfriend kicking her to the curb.
Her boss telling her she wasn't performing satisfactory work.


Annie remembered the lessons she learned as a child.
She lived them out in her daily life.
No, she wasn't good enough so she wouldn't try.
If she did try, she would always just wind up being hurt.
Easier to just accept the status quo.

Every time she decided to try, she would fall right back on the ground.
At night she would cry into her pillow. As the tears would flow,
she wondered why.

One night she heard a voice calling out to her -
Annie - I have given you a new name.
You will forever now be known as Anne
You didn't feel accepted as Annie, though you were my beloved child.
Feel the love in your new name that I have given you.

Stop looking to the left and to the right.
Your acceptance is found here.
I CHOSE you.
You are my child.

And with these simple words, Anne never looked back.
She never looked to the right or to the left.
She knew the tragedies in life but would no longer find worth in them.
Her worth was found in a Father's never ending love.

Life giving elixir

If I gave you a life-giving elixir which satisfied all of your needs with a sip - would you not take it?

And if you did take it, wouldn't you then be a complete fool to go running around trying to find solutions to your problems which were ALREADY solved by this elixir. Everyone would label you a lunatic!! Why are you seeking out fulfillment of needs when the solution is sitting in your pantry? Why do you run to these shinier new promising, but ultimately failing drinks?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But isn't that EXACTLY what we do? Jesus Christ purchased with his death and resurrection our ultimate problem of being separated from God and gave us an open door to have a relationship with God. Before Christ, we were doomed to death, in this life and the next. Before Christ we were doomed to spend our lives running after vanity, after things that would promise life but ultimately fail. We were doomed to pointless pain, suffering, and the like.

But Jesus....He promised us life and fulfillment in Him. He promised us that He was the bread of life. He promised that the water he would provide to us would become in us a spring of water welling up to eternal life. He promised rest, an easy yoke, and a light burden. He spoke of life to the fullest and finding life in Him.

So....why is it that I constantly pursue life from alternative sources? For those who love examples, a few would include career, romantic, and adventurous pursuits. These things may not be bad but the hope we have must be secure in Christ.

Why is our witness unbelievable sometimes? Because we fail to find our source in Christ.

If He is merely an addition to the splendid things we have to believe, attain, or possess....He is simply "another thing". If however, like the parable of the man selling everything to purchase the splendid pearl - Jesus is everything to us and we are satisfied in Him - others take notice.

Jesus Christ TRULY satisfies all of our real needs. Let us stop living as if He doesn't.

Sacred Beauty

Oh to be beautiful.
Yes, beauty is vanity.
And it is altogether true that it is fleeting.
And yes, a beautiful heart is worth far more than outward appearances.

But I am young. Women my age ARE beautiful.
Why must I never experience that?
A mirror is a painful object.

And makeup, clothing, and hair seem a moot point compared to what I cannot cover up.

I will content myself to surround myself with beauty.
The flow of the trees.
The laughter of friends.
The sacrifice of love.
The flowers, animals, and new life!

And of course, my Father's love, Savior's sacrifice, and Spirit's leading.

And as I revel in the beauty of my God and the world around me. I will not only forget my vanity but I will begin to view beauty properly and I will find the peace I lack. The troublesome of feeling less than beautiful will flow away as I know without a doubt that God loves me and does indeed make everything beautiful in its time. (I bet that includes me!) Maybe that submissive heart yielded to His and with eyes off myself is actually where true beauty lies.

Reflection on my old Xanga Blog

So I just read through my old blog from Xanga. I started back in 2004 and wrote through the middle of 2009. There were some pretty serious large breaks in there but the span of time covered is still the reality. I found a couple of themes throughout indicating that I have a few areas in life that I STILL need to work on. Some of the entries made me giggle. Others embarrassed me that I had written them! A few encouraged me. Predominantly the entries reminded me of what God has brought me through. His faithfulness is incredible. The many times I was afraid or excited about various situations and yet, every time God brought me though.

I maintained a strange overly happy persona for over a year and eventually started being a bit more real. But no matter what I wrote about or how I was feeling, it was God who remained the same. That's very sobering to me. I went through college, multiple jobs, boyfriends, roommates, various challenges, etc. God remained faithful always drawing me near to Him. After reading all the entries, I also decided that I am a complete nerd...but that's okay too.

I find it so easy to forget past personal history with God and people. I tend to gloss over history with a single statement or feeling based comment. But each day is full of questions and various journeys. My current journeys seems so confusing, but the past ones did too. Looking backward it seems so simple but living through it was s real challenge. I'm glad I looked back, it brings some clarity to current heartaches.

Life post-college has been a huge reality hit to the face. It's caused me to have a bit of a cynical view on my college hopes and dreams but they were all a part of my journey. Reality has caused me to walk through some serious valleys but again, God always brought me through. I've seen God mature my faith often times through the very struggles I have despised. Come what may, I must follow Jesus.

Word painting

Imperfect, it is true.
Still found worthy to share.
for wholly loved by the creator.

Hope needs room.
Valued unquantified.
Life springs forth!

Baby steps may bloom.
Proper time unknown.
beauty waits
in preparation.

Let us journey together!

There are tough questions out there that I do not have the answers for. I cannot always speak to the issues that cause division and sometimes I will make mistakes in relating to the beautiful people God has created. But this I say to any who will listen: "come, let us journey together." Let us walk together humbly bound together in grace and love. I will trust my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As we share our lives, may God unite us, and may love always overcome misunderstanding.

Fairly random thoughts

There are moments when you truly feel like you are dying, that you must step into life and start living. On the flip side, there are times that you truly feel like living where you must step into death at that very moment. Consider this and I trust you will agree.

The Christian journey will always be a complicated one when you try to make sense of all the extremes. No, you can never separate works from faith, His justice from His love, Free will from Sovereignty, and the like.

And so it is with so many things, consider the deepest issues but step full force into faith and trusting the King.

Let it flow

Oh that my life was easily portioned out as a bottle of wine.
I would break the bottle at your feet.
I would allow the wine to overflow into your glass and yours alone.
I would wait patiently in your cellar for your call.

But instead it overflows into a thousand varied Dixie cups open for the highest bidder or greatest caller of my heart. And soon the wine empties, leaving me broken, begging for someone to fill me. Where has it all gone?

But you alone have the solution.
You fill my bottle, even as I pour it out for you.

Forget the crowds!

There is a secret to overcoming the need to please the crowd.

#1 - Recognize who you are and how loved you are by Christ. You are acceptable in your Creator's sight because of His sacrifice. So who cares what the mere created beings think :)

#2- Enjoy spending time alone with just yourself! If you like yourself and enjoy the time you spend alone, you will not desperately need others to prove your value. You can allow others to see you and if they want to spend time with you, do so. If not, you are perfectly okay being alone.

and, finally

#3 - Be grateful and recognize the amazing people God has placed in your life. Be aware of those around you that already accept you!

Yay for Sunday! :)

I LOVE Sundays! They are total days that can be used to recharge and more importantly - refocus! Refocus on the only one who matters. Refocus on the mission Christ has charged his followers with. Refocus on the only ONE who has ever loved me with the most perfect love and consider how my heart feels in relation to His.

Oh, how I love Jesus. I want to make my heart beat always only for Him. That doesn't mean I'd be walking on cloud 9 all the time. It means I'd be walking for Him all the time. Oh that my heart would open up and love others the way HE loves them. I had this thought today...it went something like this.

Each individual is all together important to Christ. So whenever I interact with those my Savior loves, I should love them as He would. Which means Every conversation is important, Every heart is His, Every opportunity is worthy.

That shouldn't cause an overly rushed frenzy to "get to" everyone but rather a reverent understanding that everyone counts. Which means loving those I come into contact Fully, never trying to find someone better to talk to but cherishing the moments with those I'm able to speak with. I think Jesus did that A LOT. People can understand if you are being genuine. So it's not the amount of time you spend with an individual or even the depth of your relationship but the love you express to them when you are with them. I want to express Jesus' love to everyone I come into contact with.

Love sometimes gets mixed up with the human need for being understood or liked or accepted. Than our love gets extremely distorted. We start faking aspects of ourselves or seeking out specific individuals to share with because we want their affections or attention. But...that's so silly. After all everyone has something to offer and I'm pretty sure God is able to orchestrate opportunities for us to interact with those we could share a special bond with. Our job is to love others. Actually, it's not a job at all! We have the glorious opportunity to love others! When we pick and choose from preconceived judgments and notions about who we want to spend time with -we miss some of the greatest opportunities to express or receive love.

Oh, how I love Jesus. I'm so sorry for all the times I've failed to love others. I repent of every time I have desired to speak to someone different than I was speaking to. As the old saying goes - "the grass is always greener on the other side" and I have fallen for that lie even in conversations with people! Shame on me. But oh how glorious! There is grace from my Savior and another new day tomorrow to live for Him again.


Once again, I love Sundays! Today He taught me anew how to love.

I choose Jesus!

I don't know how to express what I am feeling. It may not work out...but I thought I'd try.


If I had only one choice to make - I would choose Jesus.

My thoughts have a tendency to wander. My emotions get carried away in a sea of confusion and frustration. My heart beats excitedly when another passes by. My hopes sometimes rest on dreams self-inflicted. But He draws me back. He constantly draws me back to His side. Does my wandering take away from my identity? Am I His when I wander? Do I always belong to Him? How many times will it take for Him to say - "Enough. Your decision has been made, you have no part in me." He will never say that. He died for me. He loves me and I love him. When I wander too far, He calls my name and I return. Oh that I would not wander. Oh that I would simply stay near him. I'd certainly have far less wounds from the world. But I would also have far less experienced grace that I'd be willing to share with others. I don't have all the answers in life and I cannot for certain step with confidence each step I take. What I can have confidence in is Christ. He is it. Proof of God's love. Proof of our Hope. And somehow, the anchor and sail of my boat.

Seedling

I see my life as a growing seed. An unknown seed, that is. I know not what this little seed shall become. I know my Maker and Master Gardener saw fit to plant me where I am right here, right now. I see other seeds. They too are growing. Some of the seeds have stalks, a few have leaves, and others have different distinguishing characteristics. As I grow, I do not always look like the others. Sometimes I try to become like them, I follow them into the rains or the shade but my characteristics are still different. I've attempted the paths of others but typically I become dry and weary. Soon I find my way back to who I am. But it is still shrouded by mystery. I do not know how I will look when I grow up. My gardener knows though. And yep, that has to be enough. He waters me, tends to me, and then waits for his harvest. I want to be pleasing to him, so I will yield to his ways.

It really is a relationship

God has been renewing my heart and a faint memory has been stepping to the forefront of my mind. I remember a sweet love and passion for my Savior Jesus Christ unscathed by the trials of this world. Love so new and fresh that nothing seemed impossible. Love so amazing, God-given that it fulfilled all of my needs. Love so awe inspiring that I would fall on my knees in worship. I would read the word of God and cry out to Him in joy and admiration.

I've been gently reminded this past week of the hours I would spend reading, writing, and contemplating. Long before I figured out I was supposed to become someone, I was content to spend time getting to know the one who loved me first. Long before I worried that I needed to make use of my degree, I made use of my time living for Jesus Christ. Long before finances threated to overwhelm me, I sought to make use of all my time for Him.

It's a funny thing remembering who you once were. Are we ever able to get back who we were? Do we lose ourselves forever when the world taints our soul?

The amazing thing is God is able to RESTORE. He is able to renew us and make us better than before. As he brings these things to mind, I am reminded of the journey He and I have had together thus far. There's a richness that is able to form when I recognize His hand upon my life. Yes, I don't feel as young and in love with my Savior as I once was. But I am still in awe of His love for me. Even now. I am far from perfect but the same love and grace that covered me when He first drew me towards his side is the same love that covers me today. What a blessed gift! What a joy!

I miss my innocence sometimes. But that early love, albeit beautiful, was untested and untried in the fires and struggles of life. Now I stand in the middle. I stand loving my Savior, but fearfully pursuing my own sets of needs, desires, and wants. The toys and gifts of this life has left me wanting more of these things instead of pursing a relationship with Him. I want so much to let it all go and yet continue to clamor all the more to get more!

And yet here I am, being drawn to a deeper relationship with Him. So much more than a belief in His existence, and abundantly and richly more than believing in his saving action on the cross. It is a real relationship with the God of the universe! He loves me and walks with me daily. It's hard to put into words this relationship. It is way different than any interaction with the humans that walk this earth. It is interacting with the unseen God! I guess it makes sense that words are difficult to define this. All the proof I have to offer is the reality of my experiences.

But God is good. I will trust in Him and follow Him even when all of my senses tell me otherwise. The abundant life that Jesus spoke of was not about our comfort or security but knowing Him!

Beauty

What is it about beauty that makes us want to capture it?
What is the reason we desire to possess it?
To control it?
even to own it?

WHY?! Why is it that my heart cannot be content to view or experience briefly?
Why the need to control and possess?

Oh, the ache of my heart. For love and admiration of beauty is so controlled by my sin and desire for this sick possession.

It starts off so innocent....
I had a great time at the beach - why not capture these views through the lens of a camera?
Oh the glorious walk - perhaps I will take a pebble home!
What a beautiful creature, I too will house a small fish in little tank.

And then it gets insidious -
I barely know you - but I need you right now!
I don't value this enough to admire, I must own and possess.
I must build up my little kingdom of pride.

Destructive habits at time. The danger of beauty being overcome by disastrous intents does not take away from the wonder and awe. I believe we need to set our eyes on the one who is TRULY beautiful! Only then will we be satisfied.

Rembering Peter

Well it's midnight of March 31st. I cannot sleep for a variety of reasons, one of which being I seriously haven't tried that hard.

Nevertheless, I'd be remiss not to acknowledge what this day has meant to my family for a quarter of a century. Every year on this day, the date reminds us of the day my brother, Peter left the world as we know it at age 7 after a lifetime of complications.

I was so young, 4.5 months old. I naturally don't remember the one I would have called brother. What I am all too familiar with is the absence that his passing left on the family. I'm glad that he was born. The very fact of his birth and death has made me a gentler, more compassionate person. I like to think anyway. It is impossible and virtually fruitless to imagine what life would have been like with the boy. How can one imagine a life unknown?

I think of him sometimes at work, when I look into the eyes of one of my participants. I wonder what Peter would have been like had he survived to adulthood.

But people enter and leave our lives for reasons unexplained. What matters most in life is not why things happen or why people come and go. What matters most is how we respond to those situations - the good and the bad. Who do we put our trust in?

As for myself, I will acknowledge God. He makes clear the path that is unknown. He brings meaning and life to even the darkest of nights.

Oh that sweet gospel

I'm FREE!!! I do not have to be perfect which means I can be me! YAY! I just kind of wanna jump around and dance. Instead, I will jam out to this song I'm listening to - "When the Spirit of the Lord" by Fred Hammond.

When a Christian pursues the works of the self justification, they ignore the grace of God. I have struggled for some time (and maybe still will) with working towards being perfect. I was that way before I knew Christ and I continued that pursuit after He poured His love over me. I figured He showed me love and in turn I must be perfect! Silly, I know. Whenever we state out loud what keeps us fearful it usually becomes somewhat laughable. Oh the precious freedom I feel trusting in Jesus alone.

We are saved by faith in Christ.......end of story. The beginning of the story is that we cannot ever save ourselves. We can never make up for how wretched and disgusting we are. We can never overcome the darkness inside of our souls no matter how many good things we do or how good we try to be. We just can't close the chasm between us and God. He is the creator and we are the created and we are destined for an eternal separation from Him in Hell because of our ways. Sure we justify ourselves so much and even tell ourselves that we aren't that bad...but we are. We are as bad as we fear.

But then Christ Came! He came, lived, and died and became the perfect substitute for our sin. He died so that we would not have to experience separation from God ever again. Jesus saved us! He really did! He offers us free grace. All God asks is that we trust in Jesus and his death and resurrection. It makes no sense to us but that's just it - God's ways are higher than ours. We don't need to understand, we just need to put our hope in Him.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. - 1 Corinthians 1:18

If the gospel message does not make sense to you. Seek God in prayer, read His word, and ask Him to reveal it to you. He will and that will give you the freedom to trust in Him. Then...we can dance! :)

I see you

At first glance, you were my participant.
I was put in charge of your file.
I put up with all that you gave out
for the sake of my job.

Today in the struggle,
you cried out. I came
to your side and gave
a single smile.

You repaid me in full.
You smiled and I smiled.
We danced in the moment.
Eyes opened to our shared
humanity.

I spoke softly and quietly,
you let go of your pain.
I sang you a song,
you kept on smiling.

I added a positive moment
to your life.
You added life into
my moment.

Your smile touched my heart.
I am forever changed
in the blink of a moment.

A Saturday thought

I think I'm starting to like being 25. I was reflecting today and realized that in the last year or so - I've spent a lot of time exploring. Exploring who it is I am. I'm beginning to know and understand a little bit better who Stacey is. She's far from perfect and not even always the nicest individual but I think I like her. :) The best part is I believe I will like her even more as I continue to strive to become who it is God created me to be. It's hard and I struggle. But the rewards are awesome!

So let me ask you this. Isn't it enough that God knows and understands your life situation? He understands far beyond that. He sees the big picture and He will guide you. Isn't that enough? You can trust Him.

Tripping into SIN

For reasons unknown, we are brought low to the bottom and depth of ourselves.
We find the end of who we are. We see the reality of what we've become.
We look into ourselves and see ugliness, deception, betrayal, deceit.
We find bigotry, racism, hatred, and war.
Self-love and pride sitting distinctly at the core.

The mirror portrays a reflection foreign to our own understanding.
Surely, this image is wrong. For the man inside of us is
Justified.
Yes, justified to our own minds.
Rationale and defense for
everything we've ever done.
if only others would understand.

But not this time. This reflection is pure and the judgments are made.
We are found WANTING.
Hopeless we finally turn from this mirror,
crying out, for we are helpless to fix ourselves.
In our suffering, we can see the truth behind all the
entangled, miserable, attempts at righteousness.

We see that helping hand we gave as pure deceit hoping others
would not see the reality of who we are.
We see that smile as a plead for acceptance and love instead of an act of giving.
We see our the truth of it all.
We have found the darkness of our soul.

Yet, soon the necessity of this realization comes forth. Our understanding
enlightened once more as we hear clearly
for the sounds of self-love have grown quiet
and the call of Jesus Christ sings through the storm.
We hear his call to come and rest in Him. To turn to HIM.
The only one who does all things perfect and right.
The only one who can redeem.
Yes, even now He can make things right.
Yes, the judgment stands. But it will sit on his shoulders.
For he can bear
our BURDENS. For He claimed VICTORY
on that hill and cross over 2,000 years ago.
The ancient story brings renewal again,
as another sinner turns and repents.

He has brought us down, to lift up! Blessed be the Name of the Lord!
All victory and praise belong to the hope of all mankind - Jesus Christ!

Reflections on love

This love you call us to is complicated.
It is not about niceties,
feelings,
or keeping the peace
If so, this love would be easy;
A law in its own right.

Rather, love is beautiful;
reckless when discovered.
No longer about self protection.
It is about others. It is about truth.
Justice is present, yet grace abounds.
The captive is freed, while the freedman is bound.

Love is not easily explained by words,
rather by actions it is discovered.
Love without sincerity is hatred.
Love without truth is treachery.

Love is defined by the name of Jesus Christ.
Perfected among brothers.
Shared with neighbors.
Found among friends.

Let it be known

At twenty-five I am finding it altogether and abundantly apparent that an individual must make clear and concise choices in order to become anything. I have spent much of my life allowing things to happen. I have not worked particularly hard at becoming someone as I never quite knew who it was I wanted to become. I believe God is beginning to stir within me a desire to change. A desire to no longer accept everything given to me at face value. I have allowed life to happen and passively reacted to a majority of the events of my life. Sadly, much of this has been caused by a sort of feigned acceptance of life as it was. I have rarely understood what it was to have confidence in any belief or dream to walk forward despite all odds. To complicate matters, I have lived in hopes of pleasing everyone that came across my path. Naturally, everyone I meet has different perceived desires which has caused great confusion in my life.

The tricky thing to all of this is ensuring that my desire to take control of the life God has given me is focused and relegated to honoring and seeking His will for this life. It is His life and not my own. I have long felt it impossible to reach any goals or dreams when the path was unmarked. This path being unmarked may actually have been caused my lack of self-discipline in the areas of dreams deferred and action steps taken. Instead of acting upon a variety of calculated expected results, I have allowed situations to happen and dealt with them only when the need was great. This is a destructive method and one I surely do not recommend.

One of the great stumbling blocks in my life lies in my emotional responses to situations and people. I have allowed momentary fears to make me choose actions and words I would otherwise abstain from using. But the year of jubilee has come! The captive has been set free. Mistakes and hindrances are forgotten as I leap forward in hopes that I am not about to lie at the bottom of a pit.

I expect to make mistakes after this blog is written. Perhaps I will make more than ever before. But to walk forward in confidence, I must believe that competence is possible if not fully realized yet.

A heavenly meeting, but certainly not heavenly conversation

After my last post, I felt the Lord impress upon me to read through a gospel. I didn't get very far. I got stuck in Matthew 1:21-23. The baby to be born of Mary is declared to be named "Jesus" because he will save his people from their sins, and the next verse declares him "Immanuel" meaning God with us. (stacey explanation - go and read them if you want)

Wow - Jesus Christ. What an amazing name and what an amazing prophecy. Jesus Christ, is the Savior and he is GOD! I don't know. Something about that makes me stand in awe. Wholly God, wholly man and One incredible purpose! I had a moment that I've rarely had where I desired above all else to just see him. I desired that I could have had the chance to know him as he humbly walked this earth before his death. Then I flashed to a concept (which I've always wanted to try to write) that's always made me giggle and yet humbly stand in reverent fear of God.


This is my interpretation of the reunion of all the saints in heaven. I don't believe this conversation would ever happen because I don't believe complaining and comparison is present in heaven, but I feel it represents a reality of all of our lives - our tendency to compare to other points in time and thinking things would be different.

When we meet in Heaven

Israelites (Old Testament period) -
Yes, we saw God move in powerful ways over the years. But life was hard in those days. We knew God only as the great "I am". We knew him as Adonay or YHWH or even Elohim. We saw his hand bring us out of Egypt, provide a cloud for us to follow, and bread from heaven to eat. We had a faint idea that He would save us but didn't understand what it fully meant. Overtime, we learned what God expected of us from our fathers- Abraham, Issac, and Jacob and then the prophets foretold us that a savior would come. We knew we were a nation set a part to be holy. If only we had known of Jesus by name, we never would have struggled and tested God so often. We tried to follow a law that never saved us. We trusted in God's promises though that a savior would come. We did not know His name, so we studied the law, watched for signs, and waited. For years and years we waited. If only........

New Testament Jewish/Gentile Christians -
Oh man, it was impossible not to be impacted by who Jesus was! So many had known him personally and they had that precious memory. Many more of us had never known him or understood him while he walked the earth but we heard the stories over and over of who he declared himself to be, how he lived, how he died, and most amazing - how he rose again! We had the Holy Spirit within us teaching and equipping us to do good works as well. But it was hard- we didn't have the Bible as you later Christians had it. We had the Torah but that only led to confusion and trouble for the Gentile Christians. Surely if we would have had the opportunity to study Paul's letters and the rest of the New Testament it would have been easier to follow Christ. Surely if we would have had years of church history to study and understand we would have better understood the human condition. If only we would have had what you.......

Modern day 20th century Christians
Oh man, the Bible is such an amazing gift from our Lord to us. We used it to study, to pray, seek understanding, and we grew in our understanding of who Christ was/is within the beautiful words of that book. We taught one another how to live and we listened to hundreds of sermons and ready many books based off of the teachings of the Bible. We read the in depth works of classic theologians. Some spent years earning a degree in the study of various Christian principles. The Holy Spirit didn't seem as active as we read about in the book of Acts but He was certainly with us - moving and teaching us. It wasn't the same as seeing God first hand part the red sea, or to have seen Jesus himself wow. If ONLY! If only we had seen Him in person, then things would have been different! Or even to have experienced God parting the red sea...surely we would have been different. We knew the end was coming based off our understanding of the Bible but over 2,000 years had past - complacency was always a struggle.

God's reply to all of us -
You each had a role to play. Where you found yourself in time and place was not the important fact. You each had to make a choice with the knowledge you had, experiences you had, and the Spirit's leading. It was never all about you but it was about revealing my glory in the grandest story told over all time. My grace is more than enough to cover over all of your sins and errors. You each chose to trust in my Son, Jesus and thus, my plan of redemption was brought about. There are no "if onlys" when I am the author and finisher of the story.


So, since we are still living, I think this is the moral of the story -

The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. - Ecclesiastes 12:13

Love begets love

Yes, God cares.

I started this day out early and after very little sleep. I was worried and concerned about all the deadlines of the day. I knew how much I had to get done and I had doubts that it could all be completed. I've had little sleep throughout this week so far and didn't know if I could survive this day! Yes, I happen to know I live to the flare of the dramatic, but still - even if I did survive the day, it would certainly be a day of drudgery. So, as per usual I drove to work and tried to lose my thoughts in the radio. On my way to work, I was stopped for a few minutes, so I silenced the radio and said a quick, but sincere prayer asking Him to help me. I told Him that I couldn't do it without His help.

Well, I survived the day. As a matter of fact, I had a good day. I even helped a co-worker out when I selfishly wanted to focus on my needs. I finished all the necessary deadlines. I recall at some point singing a song that focused on God, but my thoughts weren't on Him all day. My thoughts were on accomplishing my enormous tasks at hand!

But as I was sitting here, I realized that God was with me all day, helping me along and encouraging me and giving me exactly what I needed. I didn't save the world today. I didn't save anyone else's world either. I accomplished no feat of greatness, nothing that I see that will affect eternity. But, God was with me. He helped me and He gave me a great day. He allowed me to honor the commitments I've made to the organization I serve.

Not everyday is like this of course, but I know that this morning God heard my prayer, and He answered because it was in His good pleasure to do so. I didn't accomplish anything today, He did. He didn't have to. He does not answer to me; I answer to Him. But He is good, loving, and He provided. Thanksgiving arises in my heart. Thank you Lord!

I have to admit, this causes questions to rise within me as well. Why does He bother? I often am troubled when I find myself praying for things that don't matter to me or shouldn't matter. (Small things - worries, minor inconveniences, and the like) I get distressed when people give me prayer requests that I deem unnecessary. (terrible, isn't it?!) But...still. Isn't God about His business? My day at work doesn't seem to fall under that category.

Asking why God does what He does isn't always the most productive question. God is way bigger than we are. But I can ask myself or anyone reading - what does this show us about God's character? What does this show us about His love and provision?

My first thought goes to the image of a young parent joyfully giving their child a toy. Is it necessary? No. But it make the child happy, which in turn warms the heart of the parent. I think God just likes to give good gifts. Our lives are ALL About Him. Nothing else matters. But, He created us and knows that other things bear significance to us.

My second thought goes to the image of a romantic couple getting to know one another. What one individual cares about, the other individual naturally wants to know more about it. We as humans care about what people we love care about. It's pretty natural. Sometimes we don't have the same interest, but we support their interest. I think God enjoys seeing what we care about and helping us along.

Maybe it all seems foolish, but this whole thought process is making me realize that God loves me! Yes, He really does! He loves me enough to give me a good day, to help when help is needed, and to do all sorts of other unnecessary things. I mean, I knew He DIED for me, but He loves me! He really does!! I think he even might like me!

This is why we can be EXACTLY who we are before Him. He knows all about us and He loves us! I think overtime, God reveals to us the things that really matter and always is molding us more into the image of His Son but He still loves our humanity. (I am NOT taking away the fact that without Christ we are worthless worms deserving death and eternal separation from God.) However, with Christ and that forgiveness - God opens that door to have a relationship with us. Human beings were God's idea as was the rest of creation! We also have a purpose and a calling, but I think first and foremost, we are beloved of God.

But knowing how much God loves me, draws my heart towards His. And as I understand God's love for me, I long to care and passionately pursue the very things He's passionate for! No longer am I operating under fear of punishment or fear of His displeasure, but I find myself desiring to do His will because He has caused my heart to desire Him. What joy is found when men are freed to love abundantly and freely.

So never be afraid to be who you really are to God. He doesn't just want the spiritual side of you - He wants ALL of you. But don't be surprised that as you allow Him access to who you really are and what you care about if He draws you to care about the things that touch His heart.

He loves you and His perfect love will birth a love within you for Him and others!

Welcome to my playground

Welcome to My Playground!

Swing with me and embrace the mysteries that only the heavens can reveal.
Slide down into the depths of despair only to move forward and go for another round!
Explore the tunnels and find the secret parts of the soul.
Face you fears and slide down the fireman's pole. If you fall, my Father will catch you!
Monkey around with those crazy horizontal bars. Keep trying and you will learn perseverance and strengthen your muscles. Plus you will learn the joy of success!
Explore what is buried beneath the sands. Dig deep enough and you may find treasure!
Cross the bridge when it comes, for there is more to explore on the other side.
Grab a friend and try the see-saw! True friendship involves helping one another.

Don't stop now! There is so much more to learn and do.

Hide, only to be found! Then seek the lost.
Rest underneath the tree. This is a perfect place to read and refresh yourself.
Justice and mercy can be found in the four squares.
Climb the trees, for they bear much fruit.
Run, jump, skip, hop, and if you feel up to it - try a cartwheel! Feel the joy rising in your soul!
Share, and you will double this joy.
Invite the shy and the stumbling into all that you have, you will be richly rewarded.

Whatever you do, don't lose heart! Keep playing, learning, and growing! When you skin your knee, a scar will form but you will heal. If you break an arm, take that time to rest, but return for there is so much more to do! Build that castle, though the rain may come, you are better for having built it. When you make a mistake and hurt your friends, I may ask you to sit out for a time, but you will always be welcomed back. And, above all never forget- I have given you all of this. Enjoy! You are so very dear to me, my love for you will never change. Bring your questions and concerns to me, invite me to your games, and I will share with you all that I care about. I'll give you a push when you need it and I'll teach you how to reach new heights. I will introduce you to new friends and help you say goodbye when it is time.

What are you waiting for? Don't stand in the entrance any longer. Come in!

Waiting!

Okay, I've allowed myself space to write. Now I need something to write about.
Alas, I wait and continue to wait for inspiration.
I wait for something to passionately move me. I wait for just one line! One line will flow into the next. But nothing. Song lyrics and verses from others crawl across my mind. This is unacceptable. I must write something original. Perhaps not original topics, but I cannot fill a blog with song lyrics (well at least not unless they are my own)!


Waiting


Waiting


Waiting


Waiting is the reasonable sign and all together necessary reminder that inspiration and the brilliant flow of words are not mine to possess. Rather, the creativity that flows within all of us is a gift. A precious gift that we must understand by the nature and definition of a gift is a free object or idea provided to us by someone. What we are given in this life is nothing that we are entitled to. Life is not our entitlement. Happiness is not an entitlement. Possessions, relationships, purposes are not entitlements. Living in the grand USA, we get confused about that. But trust me, you are entitled to nothing, nor am I. We are created beings. We have only what we have been given.

Thankfully, we have a good and loving Creator who enjoys giving good gifts to the very ones He created. Praise the Lord, for He is very good! He grants inspiration to the writers, words and speeches to those who speak, and images to the artist. I promise you this, whatever you lack - seek His face for it! You will not be disappointed. At times, you will not receive what you want, but you will always receive what you need!

Sometimes it's easy to acknowledge the need to wait, but other times it feels torturous! But we spend a lot of our time waiting in life. We wait for winter to end, we wait for our paychecks to arrive, we wait for the child to walk, we wait for the right opportunity for a job to come along, for our degree to be finished, for our upcoming vacation, to meet the love of our life, for individuals to be free, and then we wait some more. It seems at least a part of the very definition of humanity is to wait. Some do it better than others of course but like it or not, we wait.

Let us not wait in vain, but let us wait and trust in the Giver of all good gifts. And while you are waiting, you may be surprised by what you receive! After all, I just finished post number two while waiting for inspiration! :)

Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD!

- Psalm 31:24 (ESV)

I am thy Lord's Servant, thus I will write

This blog represents so many more things than any reader could possibly understand. It represents:
A new beginning,
A journey of faith,
A work to seek purpose,
An act of trust that the Lord will inspire,
A creative outlet,
the end product of a conversation with a friend,
and probably more.

I am so nervous. I know my tendencies to begin and end before it is completed. I have hopes that this blog and this fresh new attempt will be different. If you are reading, I cannot promise everything posted will be amazing! I am journeying towards expanding my creativity and writing. Nevertheless, I trust that through this blog - the Lord will inspire and equip us all forward.

As I begin, I trust and pray that the Lord would be glorified! I am also excited to have an outlet to share with those who desire to read my free verse poetry, random inspirations, and more.

Oh, Lord, I am trusting you!!!!