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What are you living for?

Is it to make a buck? If so, how much is enough?
Is it your job? What happens when you don't like your job or your boss is displeased?
Is it in how many friends you have? What's a good amount?
It it in how many people follow you on Twitter or friend you on Facebook? Online world is fickle.
Is it how many ways you helped someone today?
Is it always having the perfect hair style?
Is it building your retirement or getting that big house?

I could go on, but I will spare you. The reality is that when we use finite things to give us our value or identity, we will never be satisfied. Because it will never be enough. We desperately are always looking to be filled.

That is until, we look to Jesus Christ.

It's funny, I am often amazed at the level of dissatisfaction I find in pursing relationships and pleasing everyone around me. It is NEVER enough. NEVER EVER EVER....EVER! I could have 15 people tell me how wonderful I am and how much they love me but ultimately I would long for more. Relationships aren't bad. They are in fact necessary and good. I seek to love others and I am often amazed at the people God has placed in my life who I love and by some amazing grace love me too. This is a great mercy for which I am ever so thankful. But when I look to them for my worth, I am a bottomless empty cup who will drain those around me because of my need for more.

Praise God this post doesn't end there!

For you see, when I look to the Father for my worth, He tells me how much He loves me. I find that I was created by Him. I find that he loved me so much when I was totally depraved and separated from Him, he sent His Son to live a perfect life and die in my place. Then I find that he never abandoned me but gave me the Spirit who counsels and comforts. I am told that I am His beloved. I learn that Christ continues to intercede on behalf of his people and is going to return. I find that I have a great High Priest, Lord, and King who is also my Intimate Friend. I find out that because of Christ, I have inherited every spiritual blessing. I am a Daughter of the Most High God, loved because of the one who loves me, not because of anything I've done. I find that His love is NEVER ENDING and can fill even the deepest depths of my heart. And for once, I am satisfied. There is no need to go searching elsewhere, because the Great Provider has already provided for everything. REST.

But it doesn't end there! Then he tells me, He loves others too! Which is great, because my God has resources that we can't even imagine. Everyone is welcome in the family. God's love does not run empty or dry.

Suddenly I find that I am free to give and receive love from others in a good and proper manner. I am interconnected with people, giving and receiving as suits the day, but dependent on God.

Alright then, let it be so

A Single's Plea:

oh grant that I could find a man whose heart will cherish mine as I honor his,
please may I hold a child of my very own,
you asked for someone to "go", I say "take me Lord"

In the stillness, I know it is you who answers:

"There is time enough for all of that later, right now - you trust in me."

As is always the case, you answer my wanting heart with the answer that satisfies all needs.

Yourself.

Mastering the Patterns

Gotta break out of the pattern
don't know where I learned it
but it follows me
wherever there is text
i follow the pattern
3 points in a sentence
this, that, and that
suddenly I find
I am so trapped by this pattern
it is everywhere.

gotta break out. gotta break out.
is it possible to break free?
maybe I'll only have two points
or seven
who cares!
just no more patterns!

i am finding in drumming that patterns provide basic rhythms.
These basic rhythms are great but what makes them so amazing
is that they leave room for a drummer to break OUT of the pattern
to create beauty or maybe a little bit of funk!
it becomes complexity from the simple
but first, you must learn the basics.

life seems a bit like that too. Traditionally I seek to be set free
f r o m
the p a t t e r n s of life.
I avoid schedules like the plague and routines as if they would hurt as opposed to help
only to realize that
cHAos iS No MOre UsEFul tHAN PATterNS! ! !

It seems to me if my lessons learned from drumming are correct,
we must master the patterns and the rhythms in order to
have the freedom to break out of the order and humdrum when needed
so that our lives too can be filled with beauty and a little bit of that funk!

Reflections

I visited a friend the other day. I wouldn't call her old, though some may. Old is a state of mind and she is active and engaged in her world each and every day. What I would call her is experienced, wise, and rich. Rich in experiences, love, and relationships, that is. She is a woman dearly loved by our Father and it shines about her countenance and noticeable no matter the length of conversation. Anyway, we were talking and I began to realize all the different seasons she has lived. This woman has seen so much, been with such a wide variety of people, and loved even more. Talking with her is always incredible. I pray someday I can have a memory like hers that can recall the places the Lord takes me. Though more than that, I pray that I can be obedient to the spirit of the Lord as He moves me in and out of various seasons.

Speaking with people who have a little more life experience than I do always makes me stop a minute to realize that I worry too much. I am far too concerned about where I am going to be in 5 years as opposed to where I am right now. People who have lived just a few more years than I have proven to me that change is natural and happens. Our lives will take different courses. God never leaves us in one place forever (whether it be literal or figurative) and thus the concern should not be "how do I get myself to the next point" all the time because like it or not we will move through different seasons.

If I live to be a ripe old age, I desire to look back on my life and see that it was well lived: full of love, grace, and the ever merciful hand of God. (Though technically...I never want to have time to look back - I want to live for Him until the very end.) I am convinced to have that sort of outcome in life we need to never be afraid of what is to come or what people think, spend time with our God, and love love love the people God has placed in our lives.

I have a long way to go, but with God helping me, I'll get there and if I don't - His grace is still enough.

Wherever you are right now, I pray that His peace would comfort you and as always thanks for sharing this journey with me.

And then there was a King

In 2 Chronicles 29-32 you can find the story of a young man named Hezekiah. At the age of 25 (younger than me!) he acquired a kingdom. Finding himself reigning king, I wonder how he felt or what he desired. Being a king surely allows one to impact the lives of people for better or worse. I'm sure in Hezekiah's time there were enough politics, wars, and social pressures to stress a man of his position. I'm certain he dealt with nay sayers and doubters of his decisions. After all, Hezekiah's father was a man who did not seek the will of God and instead led his kingdom into the worship of false gods. The kingdom he inherited was in ruins.

When reading the Old Testament, it is SOOO easy to take the humanity quotient out of the people we read about and just read about their actions and move on. But these people were just like us. There is so much to be learned from their lives. The first act that King Hezekiah performed was to begin to lead the community of the Israelites into worship by reopening the temple of the Lord. As you continue to read the story of Hezekiah, you find a community of people responding to his leadership finding peace and joy in service to their Lord. It's an INCREDIBLE story that I highly recommend to you to read. But when you read it, realize that he was simply a man that God was able to use in mighty ways because his heart was open to the Lord and he followed Him with his whole heart.

"And every work that he undertook in the service of the house of God and in accordance with the law and the commandments, seeking his God, he did with all his heart, and prospered.
(2 Chronicles 31:21 ESV)"

I am humbled to read of such a man. I desire to be a woman who follows after God with such a heart.

His love speaks volumes.

An old professor of mine gave me a high compliment over the weekend. He told me that when he knew me as a student he thought of me as an individual that knew God by name. I've been thinking about this ever since he said it to me, mostly because I so desire this to be true in my life. I long to be a person who knows my Lord and shares him with others. Part of my blog mission is to share the heart of God with you, my beautiful and awesome readers, as He shares it with me.

Tonight, my roommate and I were discussing the importance of reading the bible. I've been recently trying to get back into habit but admittedly it is not as often practiced as it should be. Now, the law would say I should read the Bible because God told me to. Grace shows me that I want to read the bible because it helps to bring life. God speaks to me through His word. It is a fairly regular occurrence to read a portion of scripture and feel as if it had "come alive" in my reading. I could have read that same passage 100 times before but in the most recent reading, the Holy Spirit will quicken my hearts understanding and I will newly engage that particular portion of scripture.

The bible also helps me recognize the voice of my Father. Jesus indicated in scripture that his sheep know his voice. Naturally, we are the sheep, but how can we learn his voice? Our thoughts are filled constantly with many things including our own thoughts, words that others have spoken to us, whispers from the enemy, garbage of our day (ie. commercials, etc), negative thought patterns that we've come to accept, and of course words from God. The previous sentence is not a complete list but our thought life is filled and how are we to know where all these thoughts come from. How can we discern the voice of the Spirit speaking truth into our hearts versus the voice of our enemy lying to us. There are many ways to develop an open heart to the words of our God, but one proven way is to mediate on scripture and learn the love God has for you through His word.

Names are an intimate thing, for a person to know one's name is to know something about that person. In biblical times, a name often described something about a person. Hence, why Saul's name changed to Paul in the New Testament. God has revealed His name to us. God has many names as He is infinite. He first revealed Himself as "I am" to Abraham (who also experienced a name change upon meeting the true God). But since within biblical understanding, names represented character - Love describes my God. His love is unlike any others as His love embraces me despite knowing everything about me. His love covers over sin, His love pursues, His love comforts, His love calls, His love is perfect.

I can find rest within His love.

I'm gonna write me a sad, sad song

I'm gonna write me a sad, sad song
This one isn't about hope or what's to come
No this one ain't about all the good there is
Not the beauty, not the quirky, not the downright amusing

No, this one is my sad sad song
You may not understand why this is
After all, I've got a job so that's real good
I've got a home and people in my life, it's true

Still tonight, I'm gonna sing me a sad, sad song
No my health status has not changed. I'm fine.
money's tight but that's the same so no surprise
I'm weary and I'm tired and a little brokenhearted

and for a moment I'm gonna sing my sad sad song
For this moment is as real as any good
this one is as important as the hopeful song
this one tells a part of my story, so it's alright

Someday I'll make sense of what's unclear
maybe I'll understand the bitterness that I see
what's wrong will be made right
and when it is I'll remember this sad sad song

He is still the God who turns mourning into joy
He makes new light into the darkest place
He came and promised to come again so He will
and on that day there will never be another sad sad song

Be thankful!

I've been recognizing in my own heart a quickness to speak or think negative things. I found myself grumbling this morning about the most ridiculous and trivial concerns. Insignificant as my complaints may have been, it set me in a rotten mood very quickly. This is a pattern I've been watching the last week or so in my attempts to seek out true joy. Time and time again, I find myself complaining or grumbling despite the fact that I am a beloved and favored child of the Most High God. My Dad doesn't want me to sit around complaining, after all He has filled my world with lots and lots and LOTS of beautiful things. He deserves my gratitude and honor...not groans and moans! Even when challenges occur, I find that there is so much in the midst to be thankful for.

I am grateful in a way that I am not the first person to find myself complaining. The Israelites, shortly after being rescued from 400 years of slavery began complaining and whining that God had brought them in the desert to die. (see exodus 16:13) Right...like God would go through the big display of the plagues, raising up the wimpy deliver (Moses), parting the red sea; ALL to kill them in the desert. Yep, that makes sense. But it seems that as people we are prone to complain. I cannot be critical of the Israelites because I am guilty of the same sin.

This morning I did a little exercise, Everything I found myself complaining about, I turned into something I was thankful for. When I didn't have something negative, I just began to think of what I was thankful for. It was easy to start as I thought about the people in my life who I hold so dear. But it didn't take me long to realize I needed to be thankful to SOMEONE. After all, the good things in life are not just here by happenstance. All Good things come from the very hand of God. (See James 1:17) So, my random exercise of being thankful turned into an act of praise. Very quickly I found that I can praise Him for literally everything! My sour mood was gone and I became more and more aware of the many good things in my life. I also became free to engage with the world around me. I was incredibly productive and proceeded to have a good day with my family.

There's a song that I love and it describes the amazing thing that happens when we praise God. He shows up! "A thankful heart prepares the way for you my God" (Song: come fall on us, Enter the worship circle, First Circle.) But of course, they were not the first ones to figure this out. The Psalmists proclaimed that God inhabited the praises of Israel. (Psalm 22:3) I can't quite explain it as it's a mystery to me but when we praise God, He moves. He can free you from depression, utilize you to bless another person, or pretty much ANYTHING else He wants to do. Please don't take that last statement as a way to manipulate the hand of God. He will not and cannot be manipulated. But when we are negative and bitter (not the same as brokenhearted), we fail to allow room for the Spirit of God to move.

I'm excited to move into a season of life of gratitude and praise to my God. Tomorrow, the rubber meets the road as I return to work but I'm excited to begin to turn towards my Lord and praise Him for the innumerable good things. It seems to me that we can start at thankfulness, move into praise, and suddenly find ourselves moved to intercede for the needs surrounding us. Makes sense, if we see God for who He really is, we are able to take the needs to Him with a trusting and child-like heart.

Have a happy Tuesday everyone and please join me in being thankful! After all, the very fact that we have air to breathe is a blessing in itself.

To Dance

I'm AWAKE. So I've decided to do the very poor idea of taking my tired self to a blog. It's self-serving really. I'm exhausted but very awake. Sometimes I can sleep after I write.

I have a LOT on my mind. I'm so thankful for the people God has placed in my life. I feel that I'm maturing, partly because of these folks. I also feel like I'm stuck forever in immaturity. But that's the impatience speaking and my continued immaturity. Part of my maturing is due to time and God's hand.


I wish life were a dance. First of all, it would be a swing dance. I would pick my partner...Jesus. He would lead the dance and I would yield to his direction. It would be a thing of beauty. He would nudge me backward, then foreword, and I would get lost in following His direction. I would become beautiful by His leading and guidance. People would mistakingly believe I was an excellent dancer because they'd fail to recognize the gentle leading of the perfect one. He would be the best leader and even my most pitiful yielding would be incredible.

Maybe...life is a dance. I often fail to pick the right partner. I pursue entertainment, guys, prestige, money, and more often than not SELF. I must think I like to dance alone. It is never pleasant when it's just me and no one ever thinks I'm beautiful. I just end up looking like a mess and falling flat on my face.

That is until, He steps in. As soon as His feet hit the floor, everything changes. He reaches down, offers His hand, and we begin to dance.

You cannot win

This race has never been, nor will it ever be, about finishing first. There is already a winner. Christ is the Victor. He is the true beginning. He created, ran, and finished the race. So you can stop competing with your neighbor now.

There is a lot of truth to you living up to the individual God himself created you to be. He knit you together and He knows what He has for you. Doing anything else...is simply a waste of time. Spending time looking to others for what they have done can help bring vision to your own life but it certainly cannot set the bar. Any bar you set for yourself is not enough because your creativity and inspiration pales in comparison to His. Any bar you attempt to meet that someone else has set will fail because it was never your bar to meet. You may succeed or fail at the task but you have already failed because you gave up your own race.

Martyrs prove to me that succeeding may look like failure to the crowd.
Folks with developmental disabilities prove to me that value is far deeper than we can comprehend.
Families prove to me that both comedy and tragedy are a part of life.
Hospital patients prove to me that there will always be unanswered questions.
Artists of all kinds remind me of the beauty of life.

Go, take your place in your race....make it beautiful! Oh..and run with purpose. No matter what you do, run for Him.

Waiting

I am such a fickle little human being. One minute I could be jumping around excited about my BRAND NEW BED SHEETS. They are beautiful. I haven't purchased a new bed sheet set since the beginning of college. That's about 8 years. I'd say it's ABOUT time.

But the next, I can sit here despondent. That's right a person who has lost hope. Seeing as this is a public blog, I will not fill you in with the details. The reality is, I will come out of this feeling. I can predict it will happen relatively quickly in a day or two. But still, it's painful and I would like it to go away right now.

I long for the joyous feelings of worshiping my Lord and reflecting on who He is. So, I sought the quick fix. I prayed with my roommate, picked up the Bible and read several pages, read a devotional book, and waited. Nothing. To quote Derek Webb, "I don't want the Father, I want a vending machine". Comfort and Peace please, and make it speedy. I will pay the required price, slaughter the calf, make my sacrifice by doing the expected outward actions, but I expect my request to fall neatly into my hands.

But the God I serve is not a genie or a vending machine. He is living and desires a relationship with His people. No joke, I opened up the Bible and pretty clearly heard God comment on the length of time since I had last opened it. Unfortunately, it's been awhile since I opened His word for the purpose of meditating and hearing from Him.

So here I sit. Because He chose not to give comfort at this moment. Because instead, He wants my heart, my trust, and my all. Because of His love, He will not settle for my half-hearted attempts at winning His relief of my pain. No, instead He calls me to seek after the Giver and not the gift. For in the absence of the gift, I begin to seek out Him. For He is comfort. His wisdom is amazing to me. How can I not throw away all of my foolish attempts at salving my own wounds? He IS the balm of Gilead.

So in this moment I turn my attention to my God: My Savior, My Comfort, the very lover of my soul. I repent of my foolish attempts at the quick answers and embrace my God. Sleep will come quickly now, as I rest and wait upon Him.

I share this with you, so that you will know the joy of turning your attention to the God who IS everything that you seek.

Take me there

I want to take a dive and push forward deep into the depths of what it is I catch a glimpse of at this very moment. Deep shall I go into the pool of the wonder caused astir in your eyes. I want to understand what it is that beckons you out of the daily humdrum of your existence into the stirring of your heart. What is it that awakens your soul so? What is it that causes you to stop what you are doing and S T A R E. What is that excitement that boils up from the depths of your soul out to your verbal expression and even to the point of pure untarnished laughter?

I beg of you, take me there with you. I want to see the world as you see it for that brief moment. If you cannot explain it, then just point it out to me so I can glance with you in the same direction. Let's walk together, if only for a moment, in shared wonder.

For these experiences are born out of a child-like heart. It is the joy of experiencing and appreciating a simple thing without needing an explanation that can awaken all of us.

We are loved!!!!!

I started reading a story this evening. A story told by Ted Dekker. This reading, it seems, is all it took to shake me out of the reality of every day life. This single hour reading a story, led me to open my eyes to the story all around me. The beautiful and powerful tale of love and redemption that we are indeed living in at this very hour.

For when I am broken of the realities of daily life: work, sleep, relationships, distracting and tempting technology, pressures, everyday annoyances, and unusual struggles - I am left with an overwhelming thought:

We are profoundly loved by God. Truly deeply loved.

One of the most beauitful understandings of this is found in the father heart of God where we are called His children. Yes, in a world where we are forced to grow up and fend for ourselves, we are stll called into the reality of knowing and walking with our Heavenly father. For He will always be able to guard, love, and protect us. He provides, He comforts, He disciplines, He promises us that He has a good future for us. He calls us His own even when we are completely unloveable. We turn away, and as seen so vividly in the story of the prodical son, He eagerly awaits for our hearts to turn back to His and then He RUNS towards us in a beautiful embrace.

How foolish it is to picture an old man running towards the son who demanded his inheritance, squandered it away, and then dares to return. But true love is not afraid to appear foolish.

This of course can be seen in the love of the Son towards us. The father knowing humanity could not come back on their own, sent His son to Die a gruesome horrible death, appearing foolish on that cross. He suffered the turning away from his nearest friends, scoffers, a crown of thorns, severe beating, nakedness, and the slow, agony of being suspended while your lungs collapse. That, being bad enough wasn't even all that he suffered. For the Son, who walked in perfect relationship with the Father, took on the sins of ALL humanity and suffered the Wrath and Judgment of God in those hours. No, I cannot explain it but it is true without a doubt that on that day the Son bore my sin and yours. The penalty and just punishment that was earned and deserved by a corrupt race was satisfied in full by Christ's single act. Foolish? Absolutely. We didn't deserve his sacrifice for us. And make no mistake about it, without Christ we were on our way to be separated forever from the love of the Father and worthy only of God's wrath.

But Christ, knowing the inadequacies of humanity left earth and made way for the Holy Spirit to come. Talk about the ultimate tag-team marathon. The Father loves, The Son Saves, and the Spirit Dwells. For the Son did not abandon us. He showed us God in human form but who came after but the Spirit of God. The Son came in weakness, The spirit comes in Power. The Spirit is here to do the very work of God in convicting, comforting, teaching, reminding, and makes the everyday ordinary into extraordinary moments of God's glory. To know the Spirit is to understand the kind of love that dwells with the beloved. To know the Spirit is to know for a fact that we are not abandoned or forgotten but dearly and beloved children. To know the spirit is to be given the power to do all the works we've been commanded to do. Because we are not people that can do good works a part from the power of the Holy Spirit. So, in that God gives us the power to not only receive but act in this great love of His to share with others in a whole myriad of ways.


Thus, this one God in 3 distinct persons, which we call the Trinity loves each and every one of us in a fullness that are hearts and spirits long for. And this love is perfectly within our grasp.

How amazing. Now of course, the next cool thing is that as we are loved and called into this amazing family of God's. We are taught to live as Beloved Sons and Daughters of the Most High God. God then invites us to the family business! The family business is not easy to define because it is as vast and varied as are His people. I'm not going to try to define it here. Rather, I'll let the Spirit reveal to your Heart how You can take part in the family business. But this family business isn't one of pure expectation, for there is joy in serving and being a part of the family. As with any family, there comes great freedoms, benefits, AND responsibility. When in doubt, you can always look to the great example of our Big Brother, who also happens to be Lord, King, and Savior. Jesus taught us how to live. In this life, so much of following after Christ will be laying down our pride, and dreams and walking in the way of the cross. But every time we accept the death of these things we hold so dear, God brings new life and fullness. Don't let that statement fool you, the death of some of these things will undoubtedly feel as if there is someone ripping out your heart. But in these moments, we can trust that our Father has good things for us and has a reason and a purpose for bringing us through the harder things of life.

Someday, we will be invited to walk in sight and not faith. For now, we are called to this great adventure. But each adventurous step leads us to an even deeper understanding of the love of God. The vast, unmeasurable, unsearchable, love of God.

And that my friends, is only a speck of insight into the love of God. May we all seek to understand more, and as you do, I know you will walk in the fullness of one alive to the Spirit.

Faith to Believe

Three times I heard this chorus by Laura Story today -

"We pray for wisdom,Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe"

It was the third time that I was stopped.
"Faith to believe"

Believe what you may ask? That everything will work out marvelously? That you will be the one person who is spared from the tragedies that fall upon humanity. Yes, you will have the miraculous healing, the son given back to you, poverty stalled, joy abounding. Does God work in the way? Absolutely. But not always. Jesus didn't heal every lepor and blind man. He didn't bring back every widow's son. He healed some. His goal wasn't neccesarily to give people what they wanted. He glorified God. A miracle in the right moment brings glory to God. A "miracle" that becomes a daily occurence is a circus side show.

I know that God works miracles. I've seen it in my own life and many of my friends. But ultimately we need to have faith to believe that God is who He says He is. God will work things out for good. We can trust and rest in Him no matter the outcome of our current circumstances. Faith in God brings a hope that will never disappoint but instead a hope that quickens and grows with each passing day until the day our faith becomes sight.

In Proper Order

I find peace at the lake.
Whenever I can, I steal a few moments to hop out onto a big rock.
It is there I can finally see clearly.
For no matter what kind of day I've had,
there, the world lies in proper order.

Tiny waves journey forward creating their own perfect pathways.
The sun slowly begins to set creating a beautiful masterpiece.
Tiny boats sail across the crisp blue waves.
Hungry seagulls seek and dive to fetch their dinner;
moments later they soar across the skies again.

People of all shapes and sizes connect along the pathway:
chatting, biking, running, laughing, walking, and holding hands.
Children invent new games, finding adventure along the beach.
The luckiest of dogs run free, obedient to their master's call.

As I sit upon my rock, I am surprised to find
that I too am now in proper order.

Reflecting and Resting in my Creator.

A Few of my Favorites

Donald Miller, in his book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, poses a thought about how maybe, just maybe, when this life is over we will sit and chat with God and tell him our favorite parts of the stories he gave us. In the movie, City of Angels, a little girl dies and as she walks to heaven with Seth, (an angel) she tells him that her favorite thing about life were "pajamas with feet".

What would I tell God were my favorite parts? Do I have favorites or am I too busy trying to make something out of life that I've forgotten to spend time enjoying the time God's given. Here are a few of my top favorites of the current moment, that if given the chance, I will share with God.

Squirrels I love them. Every time I see one, I smile. Sometimes I remember how they remind me that God provides. Other times, I just smile at their ability to jump, climb, and run with a quirkiness that is unique to their species.

Running I'm still a novice, but I love feeling the wind as I run. I love viewing the world as I pass it by. I enjoy the thrill of running alongside others or simply sharing the path with a passerby.

Fleece Blankets There is nothing better to me than cuddling up under a blanket. Blankets almost make me like the cold because they give me the chance to utilize one. Blankets are like hugs from God.

Writing There is no greater thrill than havin inspiration flow from my mind to a document. Forming letters and words into phrases of meaning is the epitome of my creative outlet.

Lazy days with my roommates and/or housemates Yesterday was a great example of this. We sat outside, watched the dogs play, talked, and just spent time together. It was great. Nothing fancy needed, just being together is enough. Time stands still and for a moment, we are young again with seemingly endless sumer days before us.

Smiles When a person smiles without being forced by a camera, their beauty shines. I love catching people in those moments when out of sheer joy or amusement, their faces just glow. Have you ever noticed how unique smiles are? Everyone seems to have a slightly different one.

Oh, I have plenty more. I think I will have to entertain this exercise of reflecting on favorites again. I cannot help but be thankful at the many good gifts the Father has given. And most of these are fairly inconsequential. I haven't touched the surface on the joy of purpose, love, shared understanding, joy, the hope in knowing Christ, etc.

I wonder, what are you favorites? I'd love to hear any thoughts that you may have!

Day by Day

In the stillness, I know who God is.
When my thoughts and hurts stop screaming out, I can sense Him.
Reminding me again that this life is about Him.
What I make of it fades, and for a minute I can breath deeply.

In those moments, I can praise His name.
I forget about me and find Him.
I'm certain God breaths in a sigh of relief - "Finally, she sees!"

My thoughts go to the Psalmists who cried out to the Lord
DAY AFTER DAY
and waited.

I cry out for a
MINUTE
and expect a response.

But this life is a gift from Him.
Good gifts come to us from the Father.
Thus, this present moment is a gift.
Not my idea of a gift, but I must trust in Him.

So, I suppose I will join in with the Psalmists,
crying out to my Father day by day and await His response.


I trust in two verses:

Psalm 27:13 - I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

and

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


Alass, the moment fades. Thoughts begin to crowd in. Emotions overwhelm. But I remember the moment of clarity. I will draw close to the One who loves me. Again and again I shall return for there is NO other peace.

Be Warned

Give your sorrows into the Hand of God. He can carry them.

I should warn you. Doing this does NOT guarantee: a solution to your problem, happy feelings to replace your sorrow, or an overwhelming sense of His presence. Quite frankly, bringing your sorrows to God does not guarantee anything except knowledge that He alone can carry them. I can pretty much guarantee that if you are willing, your heart may be guided to acknowledge HIM as God.

Here's the thing: God is fully capable of filling our hearts with joy, bringing back the dead, healing the sick, solving your problem, and also certainly capable of allowing you to feel his presence in a way that would change your life forever. That doesn't mean he will. He is God, not a jukebox. He is infinite and you are a mere finite being. Do you really feel you can tell God how to act towards you? He has already provided His Son as a sacrifice and payment for your sins. Does God owe you anything? He does not. God is gracious and merciful and will often respond to the cry of his broken hearted child. But in His perfect knowledge and understanding, there are times when He will respond in other ways that may be uncomfortable at the time.

I would urge you to allow God to respond as He desires. It is for your good. Your times are already in His hands, give Him your heart as well and wait. For your Deliverer and Savior will work things out for good. But sometimes, you just have to wait and Trust in who He already said He is, and revealed to you in the past. Many have died waiting for His hand to restore and redeem. But trust me, they now understand his restoration and redemption. God is amazing enough to do so many good things for us while we are here. But, life is NOT for our happiness. It's a ridiculous notion that we should pursue happiness. Pursue righteousness and holiness and stop looking for temporal happiness.

I believe God will conform our desires to match His so we might as well stop fighting. ;)

When all else fails

Answers fade
Meaning becomes illusive
Quick-fixes fail again
Temporary solution burn out

In those moments, we have to walk in the midst of what hurts and burdens our hearts.


In the pain and questions of life I feel the intense calling out of the Lord to seek His face. In the joys, I will glance up and praise God for what has been given. Okay, I do that on occasion, certainly not every time. I praise the Giver and enjoy His gifts. In the hurt and pain, I seek Him. I experience WHO He is and not only his bountiful supply. Sometimes the pain and heartache remains despite His presence. That's alright, it is a part of our life. But there is something so deep within that finds fulfillment in those moments. Something more tangible and more real that I could ever express.

God is real. I know because He loves me. His acceptance of you (and me) is something we can barely comprehend. When I am with others, the question may arise as to whether or not I am being too much of a certain characteristic. "She's too boring, crazy, talkative, focused, unfocused, spiritual, worldly, etc. etc. etc." We love to simplify and criticize one another. With God, there is no need to pretend to be anything that we are not. He accepts us as we are and loves us unconditionally.

I am quite unloveable this evening, but God's love remains. What a glorious mystery that I will happily spend the rest of my life only grasping at such deep truths of His undeserved, free gift of unmerited love and favor.

A Severe Mercy

It is in gratitude that I find myself compelled to write this note. I just finished reading A Severe Mercy by Shedlon Vanauken. Truly, I was drawn to this book from the very first word until the last. It is an autobiographical story of Sheldon's love for his wife "Davy", the story of their walks to faith in Christ, his dealing with his grief over her untimely death, and throughout the book his friendship with C.S. Lewis. I must admit, this look at C.S. Lewis is refreshing and real. A view from a friend instead of the many admirers of his books and theology. His letters that he wrote to Vanauken which are shared are also poignant and refreshingly raw.

My heart is full after taking this little journey into Mr. Vanauken's life. I am moved at the depth of relationship two folks can find in a shared love but moved perhaps even more profoundly by the relationship all three of them (Lewis, Vanuken, Davy) had with their God. I find myself in awe with Vanauken at the severe mercy of God's hand on his own life. A view one can only take after long reflection and humble submission to God.

I am indebted to the book for leading me on a journey to question my own relationship with my Lord which led me to realizing the chasm that is felt between us is more often than not due to my pursuits of things other than Christ. After all, my all is to be found in Him. I need not venture to find other hopes, dreams, love, satisfaction, security, adventure, or anything else outside of Him. When I am following closely after my Lord, I will find that He is the author and perfect0r of my faith and the most perfect guide for my life. As this book illustrates, when we die to ourselves, we find our life in Him and our true joy. It's crazy...I know.

I would encourage anyone looking for a quality read to pick this book up. This story like so many of our own stories reveals the beauty that is often found amidst deep and personal tragedy and enduring love.

Far too often, I desire to share quotes from beloved books that I have come to cherish but I often find them inadequate at revealing the tone and beauty of the books as a whole. This time is no different. So much of the beauty is found in the whole not in part.

So, be blessed dear friends near and far, tagged and untagged. The fact that you took the time to read my little note means the world. May you find rest in the untamed and often misunderstood mercy of our God.

It's raining outside. Feels fitting for my heart is heavy. I do not believe God would withhold a precious gift to his son or daughter without a greater reason behind it. God grants many wonderful gifts to his children. He is my heavenly Father and just as my earthly father wouldn't withhold a gift he could provide, neither would my heavenly one. So it is no use to fret and wonder why I am living in the current circumstances that I am. Clearly, this is where God has me in this moment. Why is acceptance so hard? Especially when my basic needs are provided for. What a joy it is to have shelter, food, family, friends, and a job. I am so beyond blessed yet it feels so easy to look around and see what is absent from my life. Instead of looking towards the absences or lacking places in my life - I should be focusing on the wonderful gifts. Even the ability to write my thoughts out on this blog is a gift. Still, my eyes drift to the lack. Oh Lord, lift my eyes and my heart.

Nothing but Jesus

Nothing But Jesus, nothing but Jesus, nothing but Jesus will do.

I cannot hope in this or that.

I cannot ward off all despair.

What can I cling to in this 'ol life?

No, nothing but Jesus will do.

There is no gain from all this toil.

All must rot or chip away.

Everything will end it's true.

So, nothing but Jesus will do.

Seeking to gain for just ourselves

Why do you seek and strive this way?

Oh dear heart, take care to learn

Nothing but Jesus will do.

Though I obtain my hearts desire

and win the love of my fellow men

Surely, its good to lay it down

For nothing but Jesus will do.

Just call me Overcomer

I never learned to have that "fight" in me. I'm beginning to learn. Working out with a Personal Trainer has taught me one thing - I get lazy REAL quick. Most recently, we met up and I just didn't have any drive in me. Instead I kept glaring at him, rolling my eyes, and fighting him on everything he told me to do. I did it, sure, but without heart. He finally talked me into playing catch (one-legged) with an exercise ball. Despite myself - it was fun.

I realized later my problem. I've been working hard for a month and I see some results but nothing dramatic. My skin is still horribly flawed, still carrying some extra weight, my wrists are proving their weakness, and I am still not queen of the gym! This is usually when I duck out of a task, deciding that it's not for me. But I WANT this, dang it.

What do I want? I want to overcome the little girl who gave up constantly on athletics. All around me, I saw folks who were bigger, faster, stronger, and way more coordinated. I knew I was given the body for it, but I just couldn't make the cut. I want to overcome the girl who sat down during kickball because it was a moot point, who gave up on track, who would show promise but then fail miserably. I remember being the girl never playing sports at recess and the one who was never picked. I remember wanting to cry after attempting volleyball or my mortal enemy - dodgeball. I recall the fear of gym class, the shame of the locker room, and the emptiness of always being last. I recall my teacher having to save me from the fireman's pole in the tire yard. I am also the girl who has quit 4 gyms before this attempt. I was last at whitewater rafting and needed the lifeguard to help tow me home!

But don't be fooled - this isn't all about athletics. I want more than that. I want to be a person of purpose and determination. I need to let go of my fear of failure. You see, if something doesn't come naturally - I quit. Hang around me enough and you'll find out it's true. I quit color guard in college because it was a way new level compared to high school. I've dropped Spanish MULTIPLE times. I've quit at least 4 instruments including the drums which still makes me sad. I slept through Biology because I decided I couldn't hack it...still got a "B" though. I quit going through challenging english classes in high school my senior year because I think I was tired...instead I threw myself into AP History and Stats - miserable fail btw. Sure, some of this is typical attempts at trying to discover "who you are" but it is far more often quitting when it took serious effort to try. I've quit efforts to go on a mission trip. I've left a thousand and one pet projects.

It's all about protection of my heart. I throw my heart into things and when it fails, I fall. I am willing to suffer pain for the sake of finding the one who God designed for me to become "one" with. I think love is a beautiful thing and I am willing to suffer endlessly for it. It may be foolish, but I have never closed myself off to people and I hope I never do.

But to throw my heart into competition and skill - that is another matter all together. That is a SURE heartbreak, in my eyes. I am undisciplined, untrained, and I feel that everything I want, I am already 20 steps behind other folks. Naturally, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I remember after deciding to follow Jesus with my whole heart. I asked for a nice Bible for my birthday. I was asked what I would do if I wasn't "into that" soon after my birthday. That caused me a lot of fear. I am happy to report, due only to the grace of God, He has NEVER let me go and I am His for life.

I have decided that this year, year 26 is time for me to start living life better. I started off by having a Micro Lending party to support Catherine in another country. It was scary and hard at times, but we did it! We raised enough $$ to support her and assist two others. It was a totally awesome God thing. But I did learn, that God can do great things when we follow the plans HE lays on our heart.

I criticized a friend in the heat of the moment last week, blaming "people like him" for me being the way that I am. He didn't let me get away with that which I am thankful for. If he would have completely shrugged it off, I wouldn't have realized the craziness of what I just said. I am where I am and who I am because of choices I have made. I don't regret many for I am here now and now ready to truly live.

This is about the 5th blog I've started this year so far and I am FINALLY completing one. Yay.

I will continue to work out at the gym as I am forced to learn that it is in perseverance that we often attain our goals. I've always heard about neighborhood millionaires. Ya know the ones. The folks who quietly put aside money who work at normal jobs. They've never won the lottery, they have just been frugal and wise with their finances for a long time. They are truly great with money. I'm not that into money and frankly I cannot focus on how to fix everything in my life at once. But there is something to be learned about folks who quietly but doggedly pursue what they are after.

Someday I will have something to show for my determination. Maybe. But either way, I am thankful to be learning the art of perseverance. God helping me, I will overcome my tendency to "roll over and die" before the fight even begins. God willing, I will run in a marathon as a part of Team World Vision.

I will overcome my battles with God helping me. I will be an overcomer to the glory of Christ. My true reward will be eternity with Him. But for now, I will content myself in learning to run the race set before me - whatever that looks like.