One and a half years ago, I set out from Milwaukee, which had been my
home city for 5 years. I knew an
adventure awaited and I couldn’t have been more excited. I was going to be a staff worker with
InterVarsity and I was going to marry the best man I had ever met in only 6
more months. I knew good things
were on the horizon and it was sure to be amazing.
There have been plenty of good things.
Getting
to know and serving students at Blackhawk
Prepping
to marry Richard
10
months of complete wedded bliss, kittens, and a new city.
A whole lot of other things happened too.
For starters, more
transition then I ever bargained for.
Night upon night
of loneliness missing Milwaukee and close friends.
Learning more about myself in the
past year than I ever frankly wanted to know.
Many days strung together where I
battled hopelessness, fundraising fatigue, and depression over pretty much
everything in life BUT my marriage.
And all of it has led to a culmination of events,
transitions, and choices which led me to take on a 2nd shift evening
job, end my official position with InterVarsity while choosing to stay on as a
volunteer, and look towards a future very different than the one I had
planned.
After the last 1.5 years, I can easily say that I have
emerged bruised, bandaged, but still here. I have wondered where God was too many times to count. I have discovered that the hope I claim
lies only in Jesus Christ is very much tied to what I achieve or do for God
which is more than likely the root of what’s been so painful over these
months. I have found my
relationship with God lacking due to my own wanderings.
But in all that, I have also seen His grace abundantly
clear. Daily, I saw it when my new
husband stood by my side no matter what my emotional state; his patience and kindness
could only come from God himself. I
felt God’s peace, when I sat still and recognized what I knew to be true – His
grace really is enough and all my doubts and battle for being acceptable were
merely waves of emotion. I
recognized Christ’s love when He was present the moment I turned to Him so many
times. And I’ve seen Him work in
people’s lives through me despite all of the above.
I wish I could say that I’m completely through it all, that
I’ve figured everything out and the broken pieces of myself are now completely
made new. But the last year and a
half has been bumpy. It has shown
me that life on this side of eternity may never reach the “smooth sailing” that
always seems to be just beyond our grasp.
The trick is finding the beauty in the present – the beauty in both the summer
days and winter nights.
I haven’t done everything right. Actually, I’ve probably done more things the wrong way then
the right way. I haven’t always
communicated with all the people that I probably should have been communicating
with. I haven’t always been
upfront. More often than not, I’ve
been uncomfortable, scared, and uncertain which has led me to not engage with
numerous people. For that, I am
sorry. I’m hoping to make strides
in this new season, to take hold of new open doors that I am not ready to
discuss, and to embrace more fully who God is and who He has knit me to
be.
It’s been tough, but I’m confident of the good things I see
on the horizon. Not in my
vocational plans necessarily but in the walking forth in my renewed
relationship with Christ. There is
nothing more important or life giving then that. The second thing is my
relationship with that amazing husband I mentioned. In healing there is life and I’m on my way.
