I realized later my problem. I've been working hard for a month and I see some results but nothing dramatic. My skin is still horribly flawed, still carrying some extra weight, my wrists are proving their weakness, and I am still not queen of the gym! This is usually when I duck out of a task, deciding that it's not for me. But I WANT this, dang it.
What do I want? I want to overcome the little girl who gave up constantly on athletics. All around me, I saw folks who were bigger, faster, stronger, and way more coordinated. I knew I was given the body for it, but I just couldn't make the cut. I want to overcome the girl who sat down during kickball because it was a moot point, who gave up on track, who would show promise but then fail miserably. I remember being the girl never playing sports at recess and the one who was never picked. I remember wanting to cry after attempting volleyball or my mortal enemy - dodgeball. I recall the fear of gym class, the shame of the locker room, and the emptiness of always being last. I recall my teacher having to save me from the fireman's pole in the tire yard. I am also the girl who has quit 4 gyms before this attempt. I was last at whitewater rafting and needed the lifeguard to help tow me home!
But don't be fooled - this isn't all about athletics. I want more than that. I want to be a person of purpose and determination. I need to let go of my fear of failure. You see, if something doesn't come naturally - I quit. Hang around me enough and you'll find out it's true. I quit color guard in college because it was a way new level compared to high school. I've dropped Spanish MULTIPLE times. I've quit at least 4 instruments including the drums which still makes me sad. I slept through Biology because I decided I couldn't hack it...still got a "B" though. I quit going through challenging english classes in high school my senior year because I think I was tired...instead I threw myself into AP History and Stats - miserable fail btw. Sure, some of this is typical attempts at trying to discover "who you are" but it is far more often quitting when it took serious effort to try. I've quit efforts to go on a mission trip. I've left a thousand and one pet projects.
It's all about protection of my heart. I throw my heart into things and when it fails, I fall. I am willing to suffer pain for the sake of finding the one who God designed for me to become "one" with. I think love is a beautiful thing and I am willing to suffer endlessly for it. It may be foolish, but I have never closed myself off to people and I hope I never do.
But to throw my heart into competition and skill - that is another matter all together. That is a SURE heartbreak, in my eyes. I am undisciplined, untrained, and I feel that everything I want, I am already 20 steps behind other folks. Naturally, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I remember after deciding to follow Jesus with my whole heart. I asked for a nice Bible for my birthday. I was asked what I would do if I wasn't "into that" soon after my birthday. That caused me a lot of fear. I am happy to report, due only to the grace of God, He has NEVER let me go and I am His for life.
I have decided that this year, year 26 is time for me to start living life better. I started off by having a Micro Lending party to support Catherine in another country. It was scary and hard at times, but we did it! We raised enough $$ to support her and assist two others. It was a totally awesome God thing. But I did learn, that God can do great things when we follow the plans HE lays on our heart.
I criticized a friend in the heat of the moment last week, blaming "people like him" for me being the way that I am. He didn't let me get away with that which I am thankful for. If he would have completely shrugged it off, I wouldn't have realized the craziness of what I just said. I am where I am and who I am because of choices I have made. I don't regret many for I am here now and now ready to truly live.
This is about the 5th blog I've started this year so far and I am FINALLY completing one. Yay.
I will continue to work out at the gym as I am forced to learn that it is in perseverance that we often attain our goals. I've always heard about neighborhood millionaires. Ya know the ones. The folks who quietly put aside money who work at normal jobs. They've never won the lottery, they have just been frugal and wise with their finances for a long time. They are truly great with money. I'm not that into money and frankly I cannot focus on how to fix everything in my life at once. But there is something to be learned about folks who quietly but doggedly pursue what they are after.
Someday I will have something to show for my determination. Maybe. But either way, I am thankful to be learning the art of perseverance. God helping me, I will overcome my tendency to "roll over and die" before the fight even begins. God willing, I will run in a marathon as a part of Team World Vision.
I will overcome my battles with God helping me. I will be an overcomer to the glory of Christ. My true reward will be eternity with Him. But for now, I will content myself in learning to run the race set before me - whatever that looks like.
