Reflection on my old Xanga Blog

So I just read through my old blog from Xanga. I started back in 2004 and wrote through the middle of 2009. There were some pretty serious large breaks in there but the span of time covered is still the reality. I found a couple of themes throughout indicating that I have a few areas in life that I STILL need to work on. Some of the entries made me giggle. Others embarrassed me that I had written them! A few encouraged me. Predominantly the entries reminded me of what God has brought me through. His faithfulness is incredible. The many times I was afraid or excited about various situations and yet, every time God brought me though.

I maintained a strange overly happy persona for over a year and eventually started being a bit more real. But no matter what I wrote about or how I was feeling, it was God who remained the same. That's very sobering to me. I went through college, multiple jobs, boyfriends, roommates, various challenges, etc. God remained faithful always drawing me near to Him. After reading all the entries, I also decided that I am a complete nerd...but that's okay too.

I find it so easy to forget past personal history with God and people. I tend to gloss over history with a single statement or feeling based comment. But each day is full of questions and various journeys. My current journeys seems so confusing, but the past ones did too. Looking backward it seems so simple but living through it was s real challenge. I'm glad I looked back, it brings some clarity to current heartaches.

Life post-college has been a huge reality hit to the face. It's caused me to have a bit of a cynical view on my college hopes and dreams but they were all a part of my journey. Reality has caused me to walk through some serious valleys but again, God always brought me through. I've seen God mature my faith often times through the very struggles I have despised. Come what may, I must follow Jesus.

Word painting

Imperfect, it is true.
Still found worthy to share.
for wholly loved by the creator.

Hope needs room.
Valued unquantified.
Life springs forth!

Baby steps may bloom.
Proper time unknown.
beauty waits
in preparation.

Let us journey together!

There are tough questions out there that I do not have the answers for. I cannot always speak to the issues that cause division and sometimes I will make mistakes in relating to the beautiful people God has created. But this I say to any who will listen: "come, let us journey together." Let us walk together humbly bound together in grace and love. I will trust my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As we share our lives, may God unite us, and may love always overcome misunderstanding.

Fairly random thoughts

There are moments when you truly feel like you are dying, that you must step into life and start living. On the flip side, there are times that you truly feel like living where you must step into death at that very moment. Consider this and I trust you will agree.

The Christian journey will always be a complicated one when you try to make sense of all the extremes. No, you can never separate works from faith, His justice from His love, Free will from Sovereignty, and the like.

And so it is with so many things, consider the deepest issues but step full force into faith and trusting the King.

Let it flow

Oh that my life was easily portioned out as a bottle of wine.
I would break the bottle at your feet.
I would allow the wine to overflow into your glass and yours alone.
I would wait patiently in your cellar for your call.

But instead it overflows into a thousand varied Dixie cups open for the highest bidder or greatest caller of my heart. And soon the wine empties, leaving me broken, begging for someone to fill me. Where has it all gone?

But you alone have the solution.
You fill my bottle, even as I pour it out for you.

Forget the crowds!

There is a secret to overcoming the need to please the crowd.

#1 - Recognize who you are and how loved you are by Christ. You are acceptable in your Creator's sight because of His sacrifice. So who cares what the mere created beings think :)

#2- Enjoy spending time alone with just yourself! If you like yourself and enjoy the time you spend alone, you will not desperately need others to prove your value. You can allow others to see you and if they want to spend time with you, do so. If not, you are perfectly okay being alone.

and, finally

#3 - Be grateful and recognize the amazing people God has placed in your life. Be aware of those around you that already accept you!

Yay for Sunday! :)

I LOVE Sundays! They are total days that can be used to recharge and more importantly - refocus! Refocus on the only one who matters. Refocus on the mission Christ has charged his followers with. Refocus on the only ONE who has ever loved me with the most perfect love and consider how my heart feels in relation to His.

Oh, how I love Jesus. I want to make my heart beat always only for Him. That doesn't mean I'd be walking on cloud 9 all the time. It means I'd be walking for Him all the time. Oh that my heart would open up and love others the way HE loves them. I had this thought today...it went something like this.

Each individual is all together important to Christ. So whenever I interact with those my Savior loves, I should love them as He would. Which means Every conversation is important, Every heart is His, Every opportunity is worthy.

That shouldn't cause an overly rushed frenzy to "get to" everyone but rather a reverent understanding that everyone counts. Which means loving those I come into contact Fully, never trying to find someone better to talk to but cherishing the moments with those I'm able to speak with. I think Jesus did that A LOT. People can understand if you are being genuine. So it's not the amount of time you spend with an individual or even the depth of your relationship but the love you express to them when you are with them. I want to express Jesus' love to everyone I come into contact with.

Love sometimes gets mixed up with the human need for being understood or liked or accepted. Than our love gets extremely distorted. We start faking aspects of ourselves or seeking out specific individuals to share with because we want their affections or attention. But...that's so silly. After all everyone has something to offer and I'm pretty sure God is able to orchestrate opportunities for us to interact with those we could share a special bond with. Our job is to love others. Actually, it's not a job at all! We have the glorious opportunity to love others! When we pick and choose from preconceived judgments and notions about who we want to spend time with -we miss some of the greatest opportunities to express or receive love.

Oh, how I love Jesus. I'm so sorry for all the times I've failed to love others. I repent of every time I have desired to speak to someone different than I was speaking to. As the old saying goes - "the grass is always greener on the other side" and I have fallen for that lie even in conversations with people! Shame on me. But oh how glorious! There is grace from my Savior and another new day tomorrow to live for Him again.


Once again, I love Sundays! Today He taught me anew how to love.

I choose Jesus!

I don't know how to express what I am feeling. It may not work out...but I thought I'd try.


If I had only one choice to make - I would choose Jesus.

My thoughts have a tendency to wander. My emotions get carried away in a sea of confusion and frustration. My heart beats excitedly when another passes by. My hopes sometimes rest on dreams self-inflicted. But He draws me back. He constantly draws me back to His side. Does my wandering take away from my identity? Am I His when I wander? Do I always belong to Him? How many times will it take for Him to say - "Enough. Your decision has been made, you have no part in me." He will never say that. He died for me. He loves me and I love him. When I wander too far, He calls my name and I return. Oh that I would not wander. Oh that I would simply stay near him. I'd certainly have far less wounds from the world. But I would also have far less experienced grace that I'd be willing to share with others. I don't have all the answers in life and I cannot for certain step with confidence each step I take. What I can have confidence in is Christ. He is it. Proof of God's love. Proof of our Hope. And somehow, the anchor and sail of my boat.

Seedling

I see my life as a growing seed. An unknown seed, that is. I know not what this little seed shall become. I know my Maker and Master Gardener saw fit to plant me where I am right here, right now. I see other seeds. They too are growing. Some of the seeds have stalks, a few have leaves, and others have different distinguishing characteristics. As I grow, I do not always look like the others. Sometimes I try to become like them, I follow them into the rains or the shade but my characteristics are still different. I've attempted the paths of others but typically I become dry and weary. Soon I find my way back to who I am. But it is still shrouded by mystery. I do not know how I will look when I grow up. My gardener knows though. And yep, that has to be enough. He waters me, tends to me, and then waits for his harvest. I want to be pleasing to him, so I will yield to his ways.

It really is a relationship

God has been renewing my heart and a faint memory has been stepping to the forefront of my mind. I remember a sweet love and passion for my Savior Jesus Christ unscathed by the trials of this world. Love so new and fresh that nothing seemed impossible. Love so amazing, God-given that it fulfilled all of my needs. Love so awe inspiring that I would fall on my knees in worship. I would read the word of God and cry out to Him in joy and admiration.

I've been gently reminded this past week of the hours I would spend reading, writing, and contemplating. Long before I figured out I was supposed to become someone, I was content to spend time getting to know the one who loved me first. Long before I worried that I needed to make use of my degree, I made use of my time living for Jesus Christ. Long before finances threated to overwhelm me, I sought to make use of all my time for Him.

It's a funny thing remembering who you once were. Are we ever able to get back who we were? Do we lose ourselves forever when the world taints our soul?

The amazing thing is God is able to RESTORE. He is able to renew us and make us better than before. As he brings these things to mind, I am reminded of the journey He and I have had together thus far. There's a richness that is able to form when I recognize His hand upon my life. Yes, I don't feel as young and in love with my Savior as I once was. But I am still in awe of His love for me. Even now. I am far from perfect but the same love and grace that covered me when He first drew me towards his side is the same love that covers me today. What a blessed gift! What a joy!

I miss my innocence sometimes. But that early love, albeit beautiful, was untested and untried in the fires and struggles of life. Now I stand in the middle. I stand loving my Savior, but fearfully pursuing my own sets of needs, desires, and wants. The toys and gifts of this life has left me wanting more of these things instead of pursing a relationship with Him. I want so much to let it all go and yet continue to clamor all the more to get more!

And yet here I am, being drawn to a deeper relationship with Him. So much more than a belief in His existence, and abundantly and richly more than believing in his saving action on the cross. It is a real relationship with the God of the universe! He loves me and walks with me daily. It's hard to put into words this relationship. It is way different than any interaction with the humans that walk this earth. It is interacting with the unseen God! I guess it makes sense that words are difficult to define this. All the proof I have to offer is the reality of my experiences.

But God is good. I will trust in Him and follow Him even when all of my senses tell me otherwise. The abundant life that Jesus spoke of was not about our comfort or security but knowing Him!

Beauty

What is it about beauty that makes us want to capture it?
What is the reason we desire to possess it?
To control it?
even to own it?

WHY?! Why is it that my heart cannot be content to view or experience briefly?
Why the need to control and possess?

Oh, the ache of my heart. For love and admiration of beauty is so controlled by my sin and desire for this sick possession.

It starts off so innocent....
I had a great time at the beach - why not capture these views through the lens of a camera?
Oh the glorious walk - perhaps I will take a pebble home!
What a beautiful creature, I too will house a small fish in little tank.

And then it gets insidious -
I barely know you - but I need you right now!
I don't value this enough to admire, I must own and possess.
I must build up my little kingdom of pride.

Destructive habits at time. The danger of beauty being overcome by disastrous intents does not take away from the wonder and awe. I believe we need to set our eyes on the one who is TRULY beautiful! Only then will we be satisfied.