It really is a relationship

God has been renewing my heart and a faint memory has been stepping to the forefront of my mind. I remember a sweet love and passion for my Savior Jesus Christ unscathed by the trials of this world. Love so new and fresh that nothing seemed impossible. Love so amazing, God-given that it fulfilled all of my needs. Love so awe inspiring that I would fall on my knees in worship. I would read the word of God and cry out to Him in joy and admiration.

I've been gently reminded this past week of the hours I would spend reading, writing, and contemplating. Long before I figured out I was supposed to become someone, I was content to spend time getting to know the one who loved me first. Long before I worried that I needed to make use of my degree, I made use of my time living for Jesus Christ. Long before finances threated to overwhelm me, I sought to make use of all my time for Him.

It's a funny thing remembering who you once were. Are we ever able to get back who we were? Do we lose ourselves forever when the world taints our soul?

The amazing thing is God is able to RESTORE. He is able to renew us and make us better than before. As he brings these things to mind, I am reminded of the journey He and I have had together thus far. There's a richness that is able to form when I recognize His hand upon my life. Yes, I don't feel as young and in love with my Savior as I once was. But I am still in awe of His love for me. Even now. I am far from perfect but the same love and grace that covered me when He first drew me towards his side is the same love that covers me today. What a blessed gift! What a joy!

I miss my innocence sometimes. But that early love, albeit beautiful, was untested and untried in the fires and struggles of life. Now I stand in the middle. I stand loving my Savior, but fearfully pursuing my own sets of needs, desires, and wants. The toys and gifts of this life has left me wanting more of these things instead of pursing a relationship with Him. I want so much to let it all go and yet continue to clamor all the more to get more!

And yet here I am, being drawn to a deeper relationship with Him. So much more than a belief in His existence, and abundantly and richly more than believing in his saving action on the cross. It is a real relationship with the God of the universe! He loves me and walks with me daily. It's hard to put into words this relationship. It is way different than any interaction with the humans that walk this earth. It is interacting with the unseen God! I guess it makes sense that words are difficult to define this. All the proof I have to offer is the reality of my experiences.

But God is good. I will trust in Him and follow Him even when all of my senses tell me otherwise. The abundant life that Jesus spoke of was not about our comfort or security but knowing Him!