Tree or Tumbleweed?

For so long, I have relied on my emotions and thoughts tell me what to do or how to respond.  I realize something is lost and I react fearfully and quickly.  This has garnered me energy when I needed it most.  They’ve alerted others of my distress and those same people have come to my rescue and comfort.  Stray thoughts have destroyed relationships when I assumed they were correct instead of investigating the situation.   So, while at times, it has been beneficial, my emotions and thoughts have betrayed me time and time again.  They promised to protect me, but they’ve ruined days, months, and even years of my life with lies and along the way hurt others.

 I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want to be rooted in who Christ is and what He says to do.  Rooted in Him means that what I do matters but doing it from a place of being His first matters too.  Rooted in Him means ignoring my emotions and stray thoughts for the cause of Christ or for the truth of Christ.  Rooted means it may take a long while and I have to be patient for His work.  Being rooted is painfully slow at times but worth it.  I think I need to just sit at the feet of Jesus for as long as it takes to hear His voice over the chatter of my mind and emotions.  I don’t want to be tossed to and fro anymore.  I don’t just want this for myself.  I want everyone who takes seriously the call of Christ, to take seriously the desire to be rooted in Him.  What would it look like for His church to be firmly rooted in Him?  I have little time for speculation at this point because I have much work to do in my own heart.  I'll pray for you in this  but please pray for me.  May we be rooted in Christ.  

Identity

What will you do when the way you identify yourself no longer defines you?

Are you defined by your career?  Have you spent the last 20 years becoming a top executive?

Are you defined by your role?  Are you mother, father, or favored child?

Perhaps you are defined by your citizenship.  Proud German.

But what happens when that definition no longer fits?

For 10 plus years, I saw myself in light of the drams I had for myself to serve in ministry and every step I took to do that or attempt it.  Every mistake I had made could be forgiven in the light of what I would one day do for God.  It went well enough, I suppose until the dream unraveled.  

And, unravel it certainly did.  

I scrambled and sought to find a new dream.  New dreams are really not that easy to come by.  So, less than 6 months later and my new dream has proven lack luster.

Who will I be now?  What can I do for God?  What worth can I bring to the table?  

Void. Empty.  Meaningless.

That is the substance of what I have long searched for.  

The mercy of God is that it happened now.  If I had achieved the dream, it would still have been void but I may not have realized it.  This fact is downright frightening.  How often do we lie to ourselves?  The bible says that our heart is deceitful above all things, I have lived that truth.  

I wish I could say that I am now spending my days solid in the understanding that my identity is in the FINISHED work of Jesus.  The truth is, I still don’t.  I seek to build an identity that I can point to and say, “I achieved that.”  Because of the struggle, I believe I won’t achieve anything until Jesus roots my identity in Him.  How I long to have the heart that says - “Oh that? Yes, I did that but it was only the grace of God that I got up that morning.  It’s for His glory alone, not mine.  Let me tell you what He did for me and what He’s offering to you.”  

Until then, I chase the wind.

Brutal Honesty - This past year

One and a half years ago, I set out from Milwaukee, which had been my home city for 5 years.  I knew an adventure awaited and I couldn’t have been more excited.  I was going to be a staff worker with InterVarsity and I was going to marry the best man I had ever met in only 6 more months.  I knew good things were on the horizon and it was sure to be amazing. 

There have been plenty of good things. 

            Getting to know and serving students at Blackhawk

            Prepping to marry Richard

            10 months of complete wedded bliss, kittens, and a new city.

A whole lot of other things happened too. 

For starters, more transition then I ever bargained for. 

Night upon night of loneliness missing Milwaukee and close friends. 

Learning more about myself in the past year than I ever frankly wanted to know. 

Many days strung together where I battled hopelessness, fundraising fatigue, and depression over pretty much everything in life BUT my marriage. 

And all of it has led to a culmination of events, transitions, and choices which led me to take on a 2^nd shift evening job, end my official position with InterVarsity while choosing to stay on as a volunteer, and look towards a future very different than the one I had planned. 

After the last 1.5 years, I can easily say that I have emerged bruised, bandaged, but still here.  I have wondered where God was too many times to count.  I have discovered that the hope I claim lies only in Jesus Christ is very much tied to what I achieve or do for God which is more than likely the root of what’s been so painful over these months.  I have found my relationship with God lacking due to my own wanderings. 

But in all that, I have also seen His grace abundantly clear.  Daily, I saw it when my new husband stood by my side no matter what my emotional state; his patience and kindness could only come from God himself.  I felt God’s peace, when I sat still and recognized what I knew to be true – His grace really is enough and all my doubts and battle for being acceptable were merely waves of emotion.  I recognized Christ’s love when He was present the moment I turned to Him so many times.  And I’ve seen Him work in people’s lives through me despite all of the above. 

I wish I could say that I’m completely through it all, that I’ve figured everything out and the broken pieces of myself are now completely made new.  But the last year and a half has been bumpy.  It has shown me that life on this side of eternity may never reach the “smooth sailing” that always seems to be just beyond our grasp.  The trick is finding the beauty in the present – the beauty in both the summer days and winter nights.

I haven’t done everything right.  Actually, I’ve probably done more things the wrong way then the right way.  I haven’t always communicated with all the people that I probably should have been communicating with.  I haven’t always been upfront.  More often than not, I’ve been uncomfortable, scared, and uncertain which has led me to not engage with numerous people.  For that, I am sorry.  I’m hoping to make strides in this new season, to take hold of new open doors that I am not ready to discuss, and to embrace more fully who God is and who He has knit me to be. 

It’s been tough, but I’m confident of the good things I see on the horizon.  Not in my vocational plans necessarily but in the walking forth in my renewed relationship with Christ.  There is nothing more important or life giving then that. The second thing is my relationship with that amazing husband I mentioned.  In healing there is life and I’m on my way. 

Fiddler

My friend Holly is a remarkably talented musician, teacher, and musical director.  Recently, Richard and I went to go see her latest task - directing the Peawaukee middle schooler's in their production of Fiddler on the Roof.  

This happens to be Richard's favorite musical and I very much enjoy it too.  So besides cheering on Holly's latest achievement, seeing the kids give it their all which is always fun, we also can't ignore a chance to see the show.  

It got me thinking this time though.  The song, Sunrise, Sunset made me reflect on our own marriage. Specifically the lines by Tevye and Golde:

"What words of wisdom can I give them,How can I help to ease their way? Now they must learn from one another, day by day."

There is a lot of truth to that statement for every couple.  We are blessed with wonderful family and wonderful friends but day by day we care for one another.  It's beautiful, messy, sometimes complicated, but forever and always worth it.  We've grown in pointing the other to Christ and understanding better when to help or stand back.  I'm sure we will continue to grow in it as there is always more to learn!  But I wouldn't trade this man for anything. 

Until next time, I'll be here grateful and ever learning what sacrificial love looks like lived out.

6 months since we got married

Dear Richard (an open letter) –

6 months ago, you showed up to our wedding!  I was never worried that you wouldn’t.  You’ve been faithful and committed since the day we decided to start dating (Now 1 year and 18 days ago).  You’ve joined me in living in Janesville, let go of a beloved job, and took a risk by taking another to spend more time with me.  You work hard providing what we need.  You’ve rescued me from myself several times and supported risks that could jeopardize both of our comforts.  You’ve reminded me of the gospel when I forgot.  You stood by my side when I was reasonable and unreasonable.  You gave into my begging and we adopted the two cutest kittens.  Admittedly, it wasn’t that difficult to convince you.  We’ve celebrated holidays with family and spent time with friends.  We've made our little apartment home.  You tell me you love me all the time because you know I need to hear it.  You are kind, thoughtful, quick to forgive, quick to make the first move in resolving an issue, trusting, trustworthy, honest, funny, brilliant, fashionable, and extremely good looking.  You are more then I could have hoped for and way more then I deserve.  

I’m convinced that even amidst the difficulties, stresses, and challenges the last 6 months have brought on.  Life with you is better.  If I had to choose a constant, it’d be you.  If a weeping angel sent you to the past, I'd follow after you without a second thought.  

It’s been a great 6, here’s to another 720+ months. 

Love you.

Letting Go

If you had the chance to succeed at doing nothing or have an uncertain outcome to what you want to do, which would you choose?

It's obvious, isn't it?  Even failing at your own dreams is better than never finding out if you can achieve them, right?

The trouble is so often we choose the first.  We so often refuse to start.  Dreaming without ever putting action to reality is SAFER then venturing out.  Safe is not the same as good.  Safe generally does not get teamed up with the word adventure.  Who really wants to get to the end of their life and say - "I lived too safe, I never took any chances."  Without taking risks we are left with only the mundane.  While many of us may have settled for mediocrity, very few would say they desire to live a mediocre life.  That's why kid's dreams are usually big - they want to be a firefighter, superhero, or a doctor.  How many of us are living our childhood dreams?  A few, true.  But many go onto choose another path.  Sometimes for great reasons, a new calling or dream, but other times because the challenge to getting there is simply not one they are willing to take.  For a long time I wanted to be a dolphin trainer, that is until I decided Science and I wouldn't get a long.  I gave up that dream as quickly as it came when even the slightest adversity hit.  Now, I like what I'm doing now so I'm glad I made that choice.  But I wish I had not given up that dream because I hated science.  I wish I had given it up for the passion of helping people.  

Safe is not what Jesus called us to.  Following Him always means risks.  But it is in the risk of losing everything, you find true life.  Choosing the safe path is often born out of fear.  If you don't believe me, read this parable: Matthew 25:14 - 30.  The parable of the talents.  The "it" Jesus is referring to in verse 14 is the Kingdom of Heaven.

14 “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants[a] and entrusted to them his property. 15 To one he gave five talents,[b] to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 16 He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. 17 So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. 18 But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master's money. 19 Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. 20 And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ 21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.[c] You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ 23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 28 So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. 29 For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 30 And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Investing your life into Jesus' Kingdom will involve risks.  Sure, it doesn't mean you should find the most dangerous place you can find and go hang out there.  But, it does mean being willing to go wherever God calls.   And that means being willing to pursue the danger and being willing to give up your comfort or security for the sake of something better.  It is not promised that you will be successful or you always will feel great doing it.  But I guarantee that not a single person who gave up their desires or even their life for Jesus are complaining.  Nope, Jesus is worth everything.

So today, I'm letting go.  Letting go of my preconceived notions and letting go of my comfort.  I'm diving into the a sea of the unknown because I want to be able to say to Jesus - I attempted to do as you asked.  My failing or success is ultimately in His hands but if I never try, my failure is on my shoulders. That is not a weight I wish to bear.  He can bear the weight of what will happen, His shoulders can more than handle it.  Ultimately and at the end of the day, I want to please Him.

Routine

One aspect of every single morning for me includes a visit from one of my favorite furry friends, Luke the kitten.  His sister doesn't do this, but Luke and I have a routine.

Richard and I wake up in the morning. Richard gets up and starts getting ready for the day.
I stay in bed.  Luke hops up and cuddles next to me for 20 minutes or so.
I pet him, he purrs, everything is delightful.
I am convinced he enjoys this as much as I do.

I never have trained him to do this.  He started doing it on his own.
Now, I adore my kittens and there is pretty much not a thing they can do that will change that.
Were he to stop, I'd be disappointed but my feelings for my kitten wouldn't change.

I was thinking about how much I treasure our routine today and throughout to myself, how much more does the Lord God of heaven and earth treasure time with His people?

Much more.  I guarantee it.  God is perfect and is love.  So His love is so much more then anything I have to offer to a kitten.  God loves it when we seek His face.  He invites us all throughout scripture.  When Mary and Martha are hosting people at their home.  Martha busy's herself preparing the food and Mary neglects it all to sit at the feet of Jesus.  Martha complains wanting Mary's help, but Jesus affirms Mary's choice as the better choice.  (Luke 10:39-42)

Time with Jesus.  It's the most important relationship you have.  Do you give any of your time to it?
Everyone has 24 hours in a day.
But time spent with Jesus is by far the most precious.

If you aren't, I recommend setting aside time right now to spend with Jesus.
How to do that?  It's easy - it may look different for you on any given day but here are a few good starting points:
Pick up a devotional, allow that to lead your heart to seek God.
Open your bible and read - reflect on what it is you are reading.  Ask the Holy Spirit to give you understanding.
Pray with the intent to both speak and hear from God.
Go for a walk and talk with God along the way.
Put some worship music on and sing to the Lord.

Whatever you do, don't neglect this altogether important routine.  If you are like me, you will intentionally plan to spend time with Jesus and then suddenly find 1,000 things to do first.  This is normal.  No, the 1,000 + things are not more important than this time you've set aside.  Resist the urge to put time off with Him and set aside that time as a daily routine.  Run away from distraction and run to Jesus.

I know that both of you will appreciate the daily routine of connecting.  Trust me, we need time with Him, He is more important than our very breath.

Join me in avoiding living so catastrophically

I've decided that it is best to avoid emotional causing extremist words such as : "always, never, etc." when it comes to predicting the future or describing the past. It seriously never works.

I'm sure you've heard of this.  A friend may say to you, "I can just never get this right", or a family member in frustration declares, "you always do this!".  Oh the fun of stirring the pot emotionally.  The trouble is it rarely solves, assists, or benefits the speaker or the listener and usually just creates bigger emotions on both sides.  

The bible says to live in Today.  That sounds much better to me.  If I lived in yesterday, I would easily blanket paint over everything negatively and say that I never can achieve a goal because I never have before.  But Jesus also invites us to live in the newness of His mercy and grace every day.

So what I was yesterday, is not what I am today, and not what I have to be tomorrow.  We are not prisoners of who we were and have no business becoming prisoners of what we think we will be or not be tomorrow.   Live for today, it is not only healthier it is the grace given to you for the moment.

Yesterday, I became stressed that I could not achieve the goals I have for 2015.  Today, I will choose to do what I can in each moment by the mercy of Jesus Christ.  May the grace of God carry me through until tomorrow.

May His mercy grant you the strength you need for today.

Gift

A tragedy stopped me in my tracks today.
First I prayed for all those hurting.  There was a depth in my heart that felt this pain and so I prayed.
As I continued about my evening, I thought about the impact on so many people.
Yes, one life not present hurts so many.  One more candle light snuffed.  One more family never quite the same.  More friends with a hole that will never quite be filled.  
And while I prayed and yearned for mercy and comfort for this family.
I became aware and grateful for what I have.
Though I am as broken as they come, I am still here.  I get another shot at this thing called life today.  Not because I am particularly special or deserving but because I still have breath.
Yes, I could pull out many things but the most pressing is that in a few minutes I get to look into the eyes of my husband when he returns from work.  Forget for a moment that our schedules exhaust us and stretch our patience.  For a moment, we'll forget about the imperfect and revel in what is right.
Life. Love. Together. Hope.
Oh what gifts.  All of what we have is given by the hand of God.  Yet so often I take it for granted.  Or complain about what is NOT right.  There is so much not right. So many hurting people.  So many frustrations, so many stressors, so many dangers, and difficulties that lie ahead that we may not even be aware of.  But honestly, I don't even have to look beyond myself to see what is not right.  There is so much not right within me.  And all of that will be dealt with.  Thanking God that Christ dealt with what I could never have dealt with and the rest will have their moments.  But only a moment for there is too much good today to dwell in the bad.  I struggle with being upset with the imperfect around me.  But not tonight.  Tonight as I continue to lift up those who are overcome with sorrow.

I will also rest and be grateful for all the good I so often ignore or overlook to rest in my complaints or burdens.  No, not today.  Life is a gift.  I will be grateful.  May we not forget, no matter how dark or trying, the breath we have been given is a gift.

Marriage is:

Marriage is:

Discussion  of things that were formerly yours alone to decide
Compromise for the good of the whole

Sacrifice for love of the other

Investment of time and energy

A lot of hugs and 'I love yous'

Forgiveness on both sides

Humbling admitting needs or faults

Laughter at odd hours of the day

Being willing to do what you don't want to do

An adventure everyday

Imperfect and messy

Accountability for tasks or actions

Building a storage house of inside jokes and memories

Learning and growing together

Worth every ounce of effort 

A glimpse of Christ's love for us.
Beautiful

Day by Day

A calling to join God in his work, however that my look for each individual person, does not negate our close intimate relationship with Him.  He is of utmost importance and calls us to seek after Him.  With all my breath and in all my days, I never want to lose sight of what is far superior over everything else – walking with Him.  It is not walking with him to avoid misstep or to gain wisdom in a situation though that is a part of it, but the joy is walking with Him in the coolness of the day as one journey’s with a friend.  One of my favorite activities with friends is finding a beautiful trail to wander along together while our conversations drift from one topic to another.  This is no different than my treasured moments with The Lord.  This walk is not for the purpose of a destination but a settled enjoyment of one’s friendship with the King of Kings.  It is a return to Eden, a return to perfection, where humans were with God in freedom and enjoyed full access to the relationship with their Creator.

This quiet daily walk will not excite the media and may never make history but it is the quiet walk that I live for.  The world may never know me, but I will revel when my Father in Heaven calls my name.  He is calling to you, will you meet Him today?

© Dainis Derics | Dreamstime Stock Photos

My coloring book

Photo taken from: http://www.art-is-fun.com/free-abstract-coloring-page.html

Life without emotion would be like having a coloring book without any color.  It would seem simply boring, mundane, and overall unbearable.  Yes, any good coloring book has some great designs and perhaps some beautiful images, but color must be added.

As I allow emotions to color my world, I find life to be filled to the brim with excitement, last minute deadlines, frustration, happiness, sadness, and everything in between.  For most of my life, I have colored my life as the equivalent of a toddler with a book.  No matter what the lines said around me, I was intent on scribbling green all over one page and red all over another until a feeling faded and I went onto the next one.

It made for a life filled with color but not always the easiest to manage.  Sometimes I would get stuck on one color, despite having a whole array of colors to use.  That being said, I am learning!

I am learning that while emotions are fun and definitely add splashes to life - they do not define life.  The challenging emotions or even downright awful emotions that come at times help me become aware of my thoughts and feelings on a situation but the emotions do not get to do all the choosing of how I will act or continue feeling.  Why in the world would I just grab at the first crayon that jumps out of a box to use, when there are so many choices?  As an artist and daughter of the most High God who has an ability to think, navigate, and create, shouldn't I choose which colors to use?  Shouldn't I decide where, how, and for what purpose to use them? Absolutely, which is why an emotion that arises does not simply get to rule the moment, instead it must be considered, tested, and controlled.  Trouble is, I'm not sure where the colors belong all the time.  Other times, I'm longing to use a pretty pink crayon but find only broken up blue crayons in my box.  The good Lord helps me find the appropriate crayon or teaches me which one to use and together this disorderly scene turns into absolute beauty.  I still don't always color in the lines but I also don't color strictly sporadically, instead I live a life that has purpose, meaning, and order.  Or at least, that's what I intend.

Together, the Lord and I are making this little life beautiful one page at a time.  As for the pages I've screwed up, mysteriously His beauty and grace makes even those pages look great.  One day this book will be complete and what will be definitive will not be the strayed lines or the pages full of scribbles - but instead the story of His grace will be whispered across each page.  I am an artist, but He is the master artist, and His story will be told.

Trust or Terror

Life has been feeling an awful lot like a test of balance.  I look down and find myself walking on this super tall high wire with nothing but death-defying space between the ground and myself.  The only thing between sudden death and me is a very thin wire.   As long as I maintain proper alignment, doing the exact right things, it will be okay, or so I hope.

Photo Credit: http://www.thebettermom.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/tight_rope_walker_530w13.jpg

People treat life in this way quite a bit.   We act as if we can just figure out the proper life algebraic equation, then we can achieve the results we want. While  y=mx + b and can define the slope of a line, we are desperate to figure out the equation that can help us achieve the particular life outcome we are seeking. 

Photo Credit: http://mathforum.org/cgraph/cslope/pictures/intercept/blueslopeonethird.gif

As if our lives could truly be graphed, predicted, or controlled!  Life is a whole lot messier than that!  It is actually far more beautiful.  If there is one thing we can learn from our friend Frodo Baggins, it is that the adventure of life is far from a tightrope of clinging to the right steps.  It is characterized by a willingness to both begin and continue the journey.  Once a journey is begun, friends come along, and together choices are made with resulting outcomes.  But not every choice can be defined as the right choice.  No, it is the willingness to journey forward that is important.  Sometimes there are miraculous rescues, terrible losses, and anecdotal fun that become characteristic of such journeys. 

Photo Credit: http://meonthemovie.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-lord-of-rings-fellowship-of-ring.html

So, I too journey forward.  This week, I put notice at work.  Curative will no longer have this employee effective January 3^rd.  And, for at least a short while, I will no longer have a regular paycheck.  Who is my provider?  The Lord on High.  But it sure was nice seeing Curative’s name in my bank account every other week for the past 5 years.

Each day is a decision.  Will I trust the Lord today, or will I live in terror and fear?  My enemy takes every opportunity to threaten me with death and despair and he has plenty of material for accusation.  Sometimes the choice between trust or terror is made multiple times a day.  Some days are better than others.  But God is always on the throne and He is always willing to meet me even in my messiest moments.

http://www.steamboatsmyhome.com/blog/mud-season-in-steamboat-springs-co/

And so this is the lesson He teaches me:  His love, providence, and care are not dependent on the steps I take on my imaginary tightrope.  There is no tightrope for the people of God.  The God of Moses, Jacob, Daniel, David, Mary, Peter, Paul, Martha and all the rest saw His name glorified and His purposes revealed through the mistakes and successes of His people.  The God of Stacey is that very same God.  You see, it is not about the person that trusts God, but it is actually about The God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever, who people have found trustworthy for centuries.  This God who has revealed his grace towards us time and time again.

I love Him, more than words could say.  I’m so glad He rescued me from the tightrope of a works-based lifestyle.  I’m thankful for the kingdom of grace that allows for the beautiful adventure He has given me and I’m amazed at His story of grace that has characterized my own life and the lives of so many around me.  I am where I am today because of Him and tomorrow will be the same.  Though situations may declare that I have failed and faltered – it pales in comparison to His ever-present Goodness and Grace.  The question is not – have I failed God today?  But rather, God – where are you leading today?   I seek to follow Him, knowing that through the trail may not always be simple or easy, I will never be left alone.  Mistakes will be made, but better than a fancy gps phone that can find a new route – He always has a way for the journey to continue even if it means fording a river.  The fallen trees along the road often bring me nearer to Him, and that is far better than “getting it right”.

Photo Credit: Stacey Beckman

Do not allow despair to overwhelm or overtake you.  Choose in this moment to trust, and if you have to, in the next moment again.  Allow the King who gives peace in all circumstances to guide and protect you.  May you have grace on your journey and may His Kingdom come.

For further reading:

Philippians 4

Psalm 91

Psalm 34

John 10

 

Alone with Jesus…a take on the adulterous woman with Him

The Great Teacher, the God-Man, Divine, yet Present, He has healed many, but He won’t on this day.  He had readied Himself to teach, but now they bring me before Him.  Pointing fingers, raising up voices of condemnation, threats against me for what I have done.   They see me worthy of death, but today on this day, they stay their hands.  They want this great Jesus to sound the alarm of my execution.

For What I’ve Done. 

I have no defense.  Even if I did, there is no one who would stand with me.  I am caught, alone, ashamed, and very much afraid.  All I can do is wait for this Man to agree with these teachers and condemn me.  My life has been a half-life, unworthy, a life lived against the law of God, and I am unclean.  I know it, I can feel it within. 

As I stand without hope, this Holy one, yes I’ve heard of Him.  He speaks with authority.  He begins to write in the sand.  And, then he speaks, I cringe.  Suddenly, I watch as my accusers lower their heads and walk away.  One by one, my accusers have left and I…am…still…alive.  As I begin to attempt to replay in my mind what words he spoke to the crowd, he addresses me directly.  He pronounces no condemnation over me, advises me to leave my life of sin.  I look into His eyes, all I can see is love.  I see a resolve within Him that I cannot understand.   How can He, a man who teaches above the law, withhold condemnation?

So here I am, alone.  My accusers have left, the only one apparently worthy to accuse me, has chosen another way.  He withheld condemnation, stayed my execution.  He has given me a new chance at life, and now I have a choice. 

Will I choose to live a full life, a good life or will I give into the voice of my accusers and stay in who I’ve believed myself to be, a sinner without hope?

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It’s been some time, but there He is again, this Jesus.  Except now the crowds are accusing Him.  He’s lifted up and just gave His last breath.  The world now holds theirs. 

3 days have passed.  This Jesus is ALIVE.  I understand. He died in my place.  For Me.  Oh to live a life worthy of the gift He’s given. 

Free.  Not onto myself, but onto Christ.  Silence the voice of my accusers, and the voice from within, I will follow the life that He lived.  I will follow Jesus.  He gave His life, I will live accordingly.   

For further reading:

John 7:53-8:11

Phil. 1:27

Reflections on Jesus: Joining Him on the water

Jesus and Peter on the Water

It's all there, right in Matthew 14:22-33.  Oh, impetuous Peter. He sees Jesus walking on water and asks to join Him.  Jesus invites him out, and he begins to walk...on water!  The commonness of the story begins to steal away from the miraculous. But if you've ever been in water, it is anything but solid, and I don't know about you, but I have yet to walk on it.

Jesus could have swam to meet the disciples in the boat.  This would have been a feat of strength, but not a miracle.  Instead, he chose to walk.  I like to imagine Him taking an easy stroll to the boat where the disciples were.  Peter's steps on the other hand became less confident when wind threatened to pull him under.  From an outsider's perspective, the question arises -what does the wind have to do with it?  Jesus invited Him and He has full control, surely the wind was no surprise to Jesus.  Surely, Peter didn't think it was his own power that was allowing him to walk on water!  

Photo Credit: godbricks.blogspot.com/2012/08/more-water-walking.html

But even after Peter began doubting and sinking, he knew who to cry out to.  He called to Jesus, who pulled him back up and together the two men walked back to the boat.  Jesus did not grab Peter and throw him in the boat as if there was any danger, no, he grabbed onto Peter, strengthening Him and the two walked back to the boat together.  I'm not sure of the distance, but certainly they had to take a step or two to get back into the boat.  Peter's faltering and fear of the storm did not change Jesus' willingness for Peter to walk.  While Peter's fear may have hampered his enjoyment of the miracle in process, it served to only magnify the One who Peter had but to utter a word to for help.  

We share a similar Journey

On my current journey, I feel an awful like Peter.  I see the miraculous that God has invited me to.  I have even stepped out of the boat.  The first steps have been exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I have an overwhelming sense that I'm walking into situations that if I start doubting, I could easily sink!  Not a happy thought.  Until I consider this altogether important detail - I have not left the boat alone.  I am walking by the grace and strength of my God and King.  Why should the storms of life or questions cause me to stumble?  It is by His grace that I am here in this moment, and tomorrow's moment will also be in His grace.  Come what may, I follow He who has gone before me, is always with me, and has promised to be there tomorrow.  His will shall be done and His love is a secured promise, but it is the intimacy of trust and deepening of relationship that comes from this walk which is the prize I seek.  

So, where are you on your journey in this season?  Are you enjoying the adventurous water walk with Jesus?  Are you walking on the water but slowly sinking because situations arise that tell you Jesus is untrustworthy or that you can't do what He's asked?  Are you sinking and afraid to cry out for help?  Have you gotten out of the boat?  

He asks different things from each of us, but the invitation is always the same - an invitation to the great adventure of following Him out where are feet can no longer touch solid ground.  Is there risk?  Always.  Will storms arise?  Most likely.  Whether we are sinking or standing secure on water - will He be with us?  Without a doubt.  Is there anything more exciting than following Him out of the boat?  Not a chance.  

I don't know about you, but now that I've left the boat - I couldn't imagine turning back.

Grace to you on your journey.  

Mixing in the Fruit

I love fruit on the bottom yogurt.  It’s tasty and delicious.  It is particularly enjoyable when some of the fruit foundation mixes in with the plain yogurt on top.  That does not happen without my spoon mixing it up, so there’s some movement involved but very little.  When I was younger, I enjoyed eating the yogurt independently, and then moving onto the fruit.  The yogurt tended to be bitter, but the fruit payoff was satisfying to me. 

Sometimes believers tend to treat God the same way I treated yogurt.  They live out their daily activities fairly independently from God, but always return to their foundation and seek Him.  It is a way of separating the secular from the sacred, or the holy from the day to day living. 

It is one way to choose to live.  But the far better way is when the fruit mixes in with the yogurt.  At that point, the fruit  alters the taste of the bitter yogurt making the whole cup of yogurt an enjoyable and tasty experience.  When we allow the Spirit of God to walk with us throughout the day – speaking love to our hearts and helping us navigate our day to day, even minute to minute interactions – the whole of our lives changes into life that is completely saturated with the Goodness of the Lord.  He does the beautiful work, but we do have to choose to allow Him to do it.  

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him. - Psalm 34:8

Shining like Stars

One of my favorite aspects of life in Southern Wisconsin is the beautiful scenic drives between towns.  There is nothing better to turn my frown into a smile than a drive through the countryside.  Typically, I enjoy doing this in the daylight when unending farmland, farm and wildlife, rivers, ponds, and trees are in view.  Recently, as I drove from Fort Atkinson to Janesville late in the evening, I had the joy of driving with only my headlights and the light shining down from the multitudes of stars above.

As a city girl of late, it is rare to see stars due to the artificial light that drowns it all out.  However, out here, the stars are free to shine their beauty for all to see.  I couldn't help but think of the students that God has given me the joy to work with and my recent prayer for them which can be found in Philippians.

'Do everything without grumbling or arguing,  so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky  as you hold firmly to the word of life.' - Philippians 2:14-16

I am so excited to come along God's children as they pursue higher education and to equip and encourage them so that they are filled to the brim with the love of God and equipped to let their light shine before their fellow students, professors, and co-workers, thus impacting the world with more of His beautiful light and the Kingdom, Jesus died to bring about.

There is something incredibly beautiful about viewing the lights from the stars.  While the sun allows all of us to dwell in the day which is fantastic, the stars shine bright offering beauty and hope amidst sometimes overwhelming darkness.   The love from a follower of Jesus can point the way for others to seek Him out wherever they are currently standing.

May we all, wherever we stand, shine brightly like the stars above.