Trust or Terror

Life has been feeling an awful lot like a test of balance.  I look down and find myself walking on this super tall high wire with nothing but death-defying space between the ground and myself.  The only thing between sudden death and me is a very thin wire.   As long as I maintain proper alignment, doing the exact right things, it will be okay, or so I hope.

Photo Credit: http://www.thebettermom.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/tight_rope_walker_530w13.jpg

People treat life in this way quite a bit.   We act as if we can just figure out the proper life algebraic equation, then we can achieve the results we want. While  y=mx + b and can define the slope of a line, we are desperate to figure out the equation that can help us achieve the particular life outcome we are seeking. 

Photo Credit: http://mathforum.org/cgraph/cslope/pictures/intercept/blueslopeonethird.gif

As if our lives could truly be graphed, predicted, or controlled!  Life is a whole lot messier than that!  It is actually far more beautiful.  If there is one thing we can learn from our friend Frodo Baggins, it is that the adventure of life is far from a tightrope of clinging to the right steps.  It is characterized by a willingness to both begin and continue the journey.  Once a journey is begun, friends come along, and together choices are made with resulting outcomes.  But not every choice can be defined as the right choice.  No, it is the willingness to journey forward that is important.  Sometimes there are miraculous rescues, terrible losses, and anecdotal fun that become characteristic of such journeys. 

Photo Credit: http://meonthemovie.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-lord-of-rings-fellowship-of-ring.html

So, I too journey forward.  This week, I put notice at work.  Curative will no longer have this employee effective January 3^rd.  And, for at least a short while, I will no longer have a regular paycheck.  Who is my provider?  The Lord on High.  But it sure was nice seeing Curative’s name in my bank account every other week for the past 5 years.

Each day is a decision.  Will I trust the Lord today, or will I live in terror and fear?  My enemy takes every opportunity to threaten me with death and despair and he has plenty of material for accusation.  Sometimes the choice between trust or terror is made multiple times a day.  Some days are better than others.  But God is always on the throne and He is always willing to meet me even in my messiest moments.

http://www.steamboatsmyhome.com/blog/mud-season-in-steamboat-springs-co/

And so this is the lesson He teaches me:  His love, providence, and care are not dependent on the steps I take on my imaginary tightrope.  There is no tightrope for the people of God.  The God of Moses, Jacob, Daniel, David, Mary, Peter, Paul, Martha and all the rest saw His name glorified and His purposes revealed through the mistakes and successes of His people.  The God of Stacey is that very same God.  You see, it is not about the person that trusts God, but it is actually about The God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever, who people have found trustworthy for centuries.  This God who has revealed his grace towards us time and time again.

I love Him, more than words could say.  I’m so glad He rescued me from the tightrope of a works-based lifestyle.  I’m thankful for the kingdom of grace that allows for the beautiful adventure He has given me and I’m amazed at His story of grace that has characterized my own life and the lives of so many around me.  I am where I am today because of Him and tomorrow will be the same.  Though situations may declare that I have failed and faltered – it pales in comparison to His ever-present Goodness and Grace.  The question is not – have I failed God today?  But rather, God – where are you leading today?   I seek to follow Him, knowing that through the trail may not always be simple or easy, I will never be left alone.  Mistakes will be made, but better than a fancy gps phone that can find a new route – He always has a way for the journey to continue even if it means fording a river.  The fallen trees along the road often bring me nearer to Him, and that is far better than “getting it right”.

Photo Credit: Stacey Beckman

Do not allow despair to overwhelm or overtake you.  Choose in this moment to trust, and if you have to, in the next moment again.  Allow the King who gives peace in all circumstances to guide and protect you.  May you have grace on your journey and may His Kingdom come.

For further reading:

Philippians 4

Psalm 91

Psalm 34

John 10

 

Today's Victory

Darkness came on me as an unwelcome thief
Stealing my joy and peace.
For 24 hours I struggled in wonder as to WHY

The answers are still out of my grasp.
Darkness was quickly joined by lethargy.
Followed again by a sense of hopelessness.

In these times it would seem no one could understand.
This threatens the ability for community to support.
I would pray but feel nothing.

Suddenly, the solution is upon me.
Run. Chase whatever it is that threatens to consume.
Run to God, Run to Action.

Lacing up my brand new shoes.
I felt quickly the surge of excitement.
My heart is reminded - I was made for more than I am.

Arriving at my favored spot, I took stock.
Evening had fallen, cold air pricked at my skin.
As I began, my untrained lungs began to burn.

Still I moved. Amazing. 20 minutes and everything changes.
Goodbye hopelessness. Goodbye Lethargy. Goodbye Darkness.
I have a God who does not abandon me.

No marathons completed today. Nothing noteworthy.
Save this:
Never let what you cannot do, stop you from what you can do.

I walked and ran my little path. Regardless, it was victory.
Tomorrow victory may look different.
Today - Victory can be wrapped up in the use of my running shoes.

You may say God had nothing to do with it.
I know better. He guides His sheep to what they need.
Tonight, I needed to run. I love you, Lord!

Waiting

I am such a fickle little human being. One minute I could be jumping around excited about my BRAND NEW BED SHEETS. They are beautiful. I haven't purchased a new bed sheet set since the beginning of college. That's about 8 years. I'd say it's ABOUT time.

But the next, I can sit here despondent. That's right a person who has lost hope. Seeing as this is a public blog, I will not fill you in with the details. The reality is, I will come out of this feeling. I can predict it will happen relatively quickly in a day or two. But still, it's painful and I would like it to go away right now.

I long for the joyous feelings of worshiping my Lord and reflecting on who He is. So, I sought the quick fix. I prayed with my roommate, picked up the Bible and read several pages, read a devotional book, and waited. Nothing. To quote Derek Webb, "I don't want the Father, I want a vending machine". Comfort and Peace please, and make it speedy. I will pay the required price, slaughter the calf, make my sacrifice by doing the expected outward actions, but I expect my request to fall neatly into my hands.

But the God I serve is not a genie or a vending machine. He is living and desires a relationship with His people. No joke, I opened up the Bible and pretty clearly heard God comment on the length of time since I had last opened it. Unfortunately, it's been awhile since I opened His word for the purpose of meditating and hearing from Him.

So here I sit. Because He chose not to give comfort at this moment. Because instead, He wants my heart, my trust, and my all. Because of His love, He will not settle for my half-hearted attempts at winning His relief of my pain. No, instead He calls me to seek after the Giver and not the gift. For in the absence of the gift, I begin to seek out Him. For He is comfort. His wisdom is amazing to me. How can I not throw away all of my foolish attempts at salving my own wounds? He IS the balm of Gilead.

So in this moment I turn my attention to my God: My Savior, My Comfort, the very lover of my soul. I repent of my foolish attempts at the quick answers and embrace my God. Sleep will come quickly now, as I rest and wait upon Him.

I share this with you, so that you will know the joy of turning your attention to the God who IS everything that you seek.