Brutal Honesty - This past year

One and a half years ago, I set out from Milwaukee, which had been my home city for 5 years.  I knew an adventure awaited and I couldn’t have been more excited.  I was going to be a staff worker with InterVarsity and I was going to marry the best man I had ever met in only 6 more months.  I knew good things were on the horizon and it was sure to be amazing. 

There have been plenty of good things. 

            Getting to know and serving students at Blackhawk

            Prepping to marry Richard

            10 months of complete wedded bliss, kittens, and a new city.

A whole lot of other things happened too. 

For starters, more transition then I ever bargained for. 

Night upon night of loneliness missing Milwaukee and close friends. 

Learning more about myself in the past year than I ever frankly wanted to know. 

Many days strung together where I battled hopelessness, fundraising fatigue, and depression over pretty much everything in life BUT my marriage. 

And all of it has led to a culmination of events, transitions, and choices which led me to take on a 2^nd shift evening job, end my official position with InterVarsity while choosing to stay on as a volunteer, and look towards a future very different than the one I had planned. 

After the last 1.5 years, I can easily say that I have emerged bruised, bandaged, but still here.  I have wondered where God was too many times to count.  I have discovered that the hope I claim lies only in Jesus Christ is very much tied to what I achieve or do for God which is more than likely the root of what’s been so painful over these months.  I have found my relationship with God lacking due to my own wanderings. 

But in all that, I have also seen His grace abundantly clear.  Daily, I saw it when my new husband stood by my side no matter what my emotional state; his patience and kindness could only come from God himself.  I felt God’s peace, when I sat still and recognized what I knew to be true – His grace really is enough and all my doubts and battle for being acceptable were merely waves of emotion.  I recognized Christ’s love when He was present the moment I turned to Him so many times.  And I’ve seen Him work in people’s lives through me despite all of the above. 

I wish I could say that I’m completely through it all, that I’ve figured everything out and the broken pieces of myself are now completely made new.  But the last year and a half has been bumpy.  It has shown me that life on this side of eternity may never reach the “smooth sailing” that always seems to be just beyond our grasp.  The trick is finding the beauty in the present – the beauty in both the summer days and winter nights.

I haven’t done everything right.  Actually, I’ve probably done more things the wrong way then the right way.  I haven’t always communicated with all the people that I probably should have been communicating with.  I haven’t always been upfront.  More often than not, I’ve been uncomfortable, scared, and uncertain which has led me to not engage with numerous people.  For that, I am sorry.  I’m hoping to make strides in this new season, to take hold of new open doors that I am not ready to discuss, and to embrace more fully who God is and who He has knit me to be. 

It’s been tough, but I’m confident of the good things I see on the horizon.  Not in my vocational plans necessarily but in the walking forth in my renewed relationship with Christ.  There is nothing more important or life giving then that. The second thing is my relationship with that amazing husband I mentioned.  In healing there is life and I’m on my way.