Just call me Overcomer

I never learned to have that "fight" in me. I'm beginning to learn. Working out with a Personal Trainer has taught me one thing - I get lazy REAL quick. Most recently, we met up and I just didn't have any drive in me. Instead I kept glaring at him, rolling my eyes, and fighting him on everything he told me to do. I did it, sure, but without heart. He finally talked me into playing catch (one-legged) with an exercise ball. Despite myself - it was fun.

I realized later my problem. I've been working hard for a month and I see some results but nothing dramatic. My skin is still horribly flawed, still carrying some extra weight, my wrists are proving their weakness, and I am still not queen of the gym! This is usually when I duck out of a task, deciding that it's not for me. But I WANT this, dang it.

What do I want? I want to overcome the little girl who gave up constantly on athletics. All around me, I saw folks who were bigger, faster, stronger, and way more coordinated. I knew I was given the body for it, but I just couldn't make the cut. I want to overcome the girl who sat down during kickball because it was a moot point, who gave up on track, who would show promise but then fail miserably. I remember being the girl never playing sports at recess and the one who was never picked. I remember wanting to cry after attempting volleyball or my mortal enemy - dodgeball. I recall the fear of gym class, the shame of the locker room, and the emptiness of always being last. I recall my teacher having to save me from the fireman's pole in the tire yard. I am also the girl who has quit 4 gyms before this attempt. I was last at whitewater rafting and needed the lifeguard to help tow me home!

But don't be fooled - this isn't all about athletics. I want more than that. I want to be a person of purpose and determination. I need to let go of my fear of failure. You see, if something doesn't come naturally - I quit. Hang around me enough and you'll find out it's true. I quit color guard in college because it was a way new level compared to high school. I've dropped Spanish MULTIPLE times. I've quit at least 4 instruments including the drums which still makes me sad. I slept through Biology because I decided I couldn't hack it...still got a "B" though. I quit going through challenging english classes in high school my senior year because I think I was tired...instead I threw myself into AP History and Stats - miserable fail btw. Sure, some of this is typical attempts at trying to discover "who you are" but it is far more often quitting when it took serious effort to try. I've quit efforts to go on a mission trip. I've left a thousand and one pet projects.

It's all about protection of my heart. I throw my heart into things and when it fails, I fall. I am willing to suffer pain for the sake of finding the one who God designed for me to become "one" with. I think love is a beautiful thing and I am willing to suffer endlessly for it. It may be foolish, but I have never closed myself off to people and I hope I never do.

But to throw my heart into competition and skill - that is another matter all together. That is a SURE heartbreak, in my eyes. I am undisciplined, untrained, and I feel that everything I want, I am already 20 steps behind other folks. Naturally, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I remember after deciding to follow Jesus with my whole heart. I asked for a nice Bible for my birthday. I was asked what I would do if I wasn't "into that" soon after my birthday. That caused me a lot of fear. I am happy to report, due only to the grace of God, He has NEVER let me go and I am His for life.

I have decided that this year, year 26 is time for me to start living life better. I started off by having a Micro Lending party to support Catherine in another country. It was scary and hard at times, but we did it! We raised enough $$ to support her and assist two others. It was a totally awesome God thing. But I did learn, that God can do great things when we follow the plans HE lays on our heart.

I criticized a friend in the heat of the moment last week, blaming "people like him" for me being the way that I am. He didn't let me get away with that which I am thankful for. If he would have completely shrugged it off, I wouldn't have realized the craziness of what I just said. I am where I am and who I am because of choices I have made. I don't regret many for I am here now and now ready to truly live.

This is about the 5th blog I've started this year so far and I am FINALLY completing one. Yay.

I will continue to work out at the gym as I am forced to learn that it is in perseverance that we often attain our goals. I've always heard about neighborhood millionaires. Ya know the ones. The folks who quietly put aside money who work at normal jobs. They've never won the lottery, they have just been frugal and wise with their finances for a long time. They are truly great with money. I'm not that into money and frankly I cannot focus on how to fix everything in my life at once. But there is something to be learned about folks who quietly but doggedly pursue what they are after.

Someday I will have something to show for my determination. Maybe. But either way, I am thankful to be learning the art of perseverance. God helping me, I will overcome my tendency to "roll over and die" before the fight even begins. God willing, I will run in a marathon as a part of Team World Vision.

I will overcome my battles with God helping me. I will be an overcomer to the glory of Christ. My true reward will be eternity with Him. But for now, I will content myself in learning to run the race set before me - whatever that looks like.

FINAL blog!

This is my final blog entry... of 2010 that is! While reflecting on my various writing this past year on this blog and the notes I have posted directly to facebook, I have come to several conclusions.

1. I find that I love much of what I have written , there is no poster's remorse.

2. I am deeply encouraged by other's responses. So if you've ever read something I've written and commented - I thank you. I don't respond very well to my responders but I appreciate it more than you realize.

3. I am saddened at how little I wrote throughout the year. I simply didn't make it a priority. I find this to be annoying.

4. My prayer remains the same that God would continue to inspire me to write and hopefully to bless others.

But enough about my writing. There are more important things to discuss like the new year we are about to embark upon. Many people enjoy partying it up at the end of the year. If you are one of those folks, I hope you have a great time! But I also hope you spend some time reflecting upon this last year. We will never fully grow and change without thoughtful and prayerful reflection of where we've been. We cannot stay in the past for we must always journey on; but pushing forward without reflection will result in stunted growth.

Here are a few questions to ponder:

Where have you been this past year? Where were you successes and joys found? Where were your failures and pain? Don't think about what you would have changed, instead ponder what you CAN change for this coming year. Reflect upon your relationship with God. Have you drawn close to Him or have you chosen to not engage Him? Where has this left you? In 3 words or less, how would you characterize your last year? Where do you want to be on December 31st, 2011 - form plans based on this thought instead of glorious intentions that may fail within the first few weeks. What three words would you like to characterize 2011? Invite God into your reflection time, I believe he has things he would love to reveal to you.

Happy end of 2010 friends! May the adventure of 2011 begin!

Rest

When I'm near you, nothing else matters.

It doesn't matter that my blog only has 4 readers.

Nope, it just doesn't.

When I'm near you, my soul finds the true rest that it constantly seeks.

Your love, Your gentle touch, and Your acceptance.

I remember briefly the times when I used to spend hours at your feet

and it was never enough.

Now a few minutes feels like forever and I grow restless.

How things have changed. I am sorry, but you just love me.

You don't ask me to be anything I'm not.

You ask me to bring everything that I am.

The offering is small but I remember the loaves and the fish.

I remember that you can grow a small offering.

So I offer you my heart. It is a small gift, but I pray you would make it grow.

Quit trying

I have spent as long as I can remember TRYING to achieve. I'm about ready to throw that concept out the window and simply start living. Maybe I don't care that I won't be able to keep up with the Jones. So what if everyone I meet is farther along than me....I can't keep up and I'm tired of trying.

What's the point of trying to get somewhere if I can't enjoy any of the ride? Seems a bit futile. I'm about ready to CRAWL out of my skin right now. I feel as if I'm going crazy. I have so many dreams and aspirations that I cannot complete. I am lonelier than ever and running at an inhuman speed...for WHAT?!

I have already been promised eternity by my Savior and Redeemer. Maybe I should start knowing Him. I want heaven to be about truly coming home....I don't want to feel like an outsider.

I used to sit at His feet but then I started getting busy with life. Suddenly life became my focus and I no longer spent any time getting warmed by the fire. My biggest concern is I no longer remember how to quiet my mind, heart, and emotions long enough to get the flame burning. It's cold out here, Jesus please light the fire.

Something you did not know about me! :)

Meet Virginia by Train. I cannot begin to explain my love of this song with you. When I think of Virginia, I think of a woman who so desperately believes she knows what it is she desires but as soon she can grip it, she screams out refuting this very desire. I know this dichotomy well. I have long believed in so many of my own desires but the minute it gets a bit challenging - all I want to do is scream out! "I don't want this! Stop, I do NOT want this!!!! "

Passion! A life lived with perhaps misunderstood passion. The minute I begin to feel melancholy, my heart sings this song and this one particular lyric - "I don't really want to live this life." Not in a depressed fashion..just a frustration factor.

I also really love this song because she is painted so....real. She appears real and is loved within all of her realities - the good and bad. We all should be so lucky to be loved like the singer expresses love for Virginia.

I also think we should all be so brave as to share with the world who we really are. We are all a mixture of beauty and brokenness. I also so desire to share that perfect combo of others with the world. I haven't met a person I really dislike. There are times I dislike how a person gets under my skin and my emotions related to then. But people are so beautiful when they allow you to unfold who they really are. All of the brokenness is simply waiting for the beautiful redemption.

So let's be REAL people. Reality is always always always better than a false perfection.

Jesus loves us in our brokenness. As we lend our hearts to our Redeemer, He brings out the beauty from beneath the ashes of all of our pain, sin, and broken imperfections.

Simple thought on life

If I could share with you just one thing today it would be -

Happiness is not promised today. Face the day with boldness. The joys and sorrows of this life will come and sometimes the pain may catch you by surprise. When the pain creeps in, turn your eyes to your Savior. His grace and love will catch you.

Purposeful Placement

I laughed at a quote the other day that talked about purposely placing yourself in the presence of God. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had heard of. After all, God is God. I have no ability to make him draw near to me. But tonight after a crazy day following a crazy few days and straight in the midst of more craziness to come. I made a choice. I needed Him. So I "tuned" into the One who Never leaves my side. I opened my heart to the love that He constantly awaits to give. And at least in this moment- I understand a bit better the concept of purposely placing yourself near Him. It's all about a willing heart. He could choose to not be present but those are the times I need to choose to wait.

God is good. And oh, how He indeed loves us.

Psalm 34:8 - Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!