Tree or Tumbleweed?

For so long, I have relied on my emotions and thoughts tell me what to do or how to respond.  I realize something is lost and I react fearfully and quickly.  This has garnered me energy when I needed it most.  They’ve alerted others of my distress and those same people have come to my rescue and comfort.  Stray thoughts have destroyed relationships when I assumed they were correct instead of investigating the situation.   So, while at times, it has been beneficial, my emotions and thoughts have betrayed me time and time again.  They promised to protect me, but they’ve ruined days, months, and even years of my life with lies and along the way hurt others.

 I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want to be rooted in who Christ is and what He says to do.  Rooted in Him means that what I do matters but doing it from a place of being His first matters too.  Rooted in Him means ignoring my emotions and stray thoughts for the cause of Christ or for the truth of Christ.  Rooted means it may take a long while and I have to be patient for His work.  Being rooted is painfully slow at times but worth it.  I think I need to just sit at the feet of Jesus for as long as it takes to hear His voice over the chatter of my mind and emotions.  I don’t want to be tossed to and fro anymore.  I don’t just want this for myself.  I want everyone who takes seriously the call of Christ, to take seriously the desire to be rooted in Him.  What would it look like for His church to be firmly rooted in Him?  I have little time for speculation at this point because I have much work to do in my own heart.  I'll pray for you in this  but please pray for me.  May we be rooted in Christ.  

Identity

What will you do when the way you identify yourself no longer defines you?

Are you defined by your career?  Have you spent the last 20 years becoming a top executive?

Are you defined by your role?  Are you mother, father, or favored child?

Perhaps you are defined by your citizenship.  Proud German.

But what happens when that definition no longer fits?

For 10 plus years, I saw myself in light of the drams I had for myself to serve in ministry and every step I took to do that or attempt it.  Every mistake I had made could be forgiven in the light of what I would one day do for God.  It went well enough, I suppose until the dream unraveled.  

And, unravel it certainly did.  

I scrambled and sought to find a new dream.  New dreams are really not that easy to come by.  So, less than 6 months later and my new dream has proven lack luster.

Who will I be now?  What can I do for God?  What worth can I bring to the table?  

Void. Empty.  Meaningless.

That is the substance of what I have long searched for.  

The mercy of God is that it happened now.  If I had achieved the dream, it would still have been void but I may not have realized it.  This fact is downright frightening.  How often do we lie to ourselves?  The bible says that our heart is deceitful above all things, I have lived that truth.  

I wish I could say that I am now spending my days solid in the understanding that my identity is in the FINISHED work of Jesus.  The truth is, I still don’t.  I seek to build an identity that I can point to and say, “I achieved that.”  Because of the struggle, I believe I won’t achieve anything until Jesus roots my identity in Him.  How I long to have the heart that says - “Oh that? Yes, I did that but it was only the grace of God that I got up that morning.  It’s for His glory alone, not mine.  Let me tell you what He did for me and what He’s offering to you.”  

Until then, I chase the wind.

Brutal Honesty - This past year

One and a half years ago, I set out from Milwaukee, which had been my home city for 5 years.  I knew an adventure awaited and I couldn’t have been more excited.  I was going to be a staff worker with InterVarsity and I was going to marry the best man I had ever met in only 6 more months.  I knew good things were on the horizon and it was sure to be amazing. 

There have been plenty of good things. 

            Getting to know and serving students at Blackhawk

            Prepping to marry Richard

            10 months of complete wedded bliss, kittens, and a new city.

A whole lot of other things happened too. 

For starters, more transition then I ever bargained for. 

Night upon night of loneliness missing Milwaukee and close friends. 

Learning more about myself in the past year than I ever frankly wanted to know. 

Many days strung together where I battled hopelessness, fundraising fatigue, and depression over pretty much everything in life BUT my marriage. 

And all of it has led to a culmination of events, transitions, and choices which led me to take on a 2^nd shift evening job, end my official position with InterVarsity while choosing to stay on as a volunteer, and look towards a future very different than the one I had planned. 

After the last 1.5 years, I can easily say that I have emerged bruised, bandaged, but still here.  I have wondered where God was too many times to count.  I have discovered that the hope I claim lies only in Jesus Christ is very much tied to what I achieve or do for God which is more than likely the root of what’s been so painful over these months.  I have found my relationship with God lacking due to my own wanderings. 

But in all that, I have also seen His grace abundantly clear.  Daily, I saw it when my new husband stood by my side no matter what my emotional state; his patience and kindness could only come from God himself.  I felt God’s peace, when I sat still and recognized what I knew to be true – His grace really is enough and all my doubts and battle for being acceptable were merely waves of emotion.  I recognized Christ’s love when He was present the moment I turned to Him so many times.  And I’ve seen Him work in people’s lives through me despite all of the above. 

I wish I could say that I’m completely through it all, that I’ve figured everything out and the broken pieces of myself are now completely made new.  But the last year and a half has been bumpy.  It has shown me that life on this side of eternity may never reach the “smooth sailing” that always seems to be just beyond our grasp.  The trick is finding the beauty in the present – the beauty in both the summer days and winter nights.

I haven’t done everything right.  Actually, I’ve probably done more things the wrong way then the right way.  I haven’t always communicated with all the people that I probably should have been communicating with.  I haven’t always been upfront.  More often than not, I’ve been uncomfortable, scared, and uncertain which has led me to not engage with numerous people.  For that, I am sorry.  I’m hoping to make strides in this new season, to take hold of new open doors that I am not ready to discuss, and to embrace more fully who God is and who He has knit me to be. 

It’s been tough, but I’m confident of the good things I see on the horizon.  Not in my vocational plans necessarily but in the walking forth in my renewed relationship with Christ.  There is nothing more important or life giving then that. The second thing is my relationship with that amazing husband I mentioned.  In healing there is life and I’m on my way. 

Fiddler

My friend Holly is a remarkably talented musician, teacher, and musical director.  Recently, Richard and I went to go see her latest task - directing the Peawaukee middle schooler's in their production of Fiddler on the Roof.  

This happens to be Richard's favorite musical and I very much enjoy it too.  So besides cheering on Holly's latest achievement, seeing the kids give it their all which is always fun, we also can't ignore a chance to see the show.  

It got me thinking this time though.  The song, Sunrise, Sunset made me reflect on our own marriage. Specifically the lines by Tevye and Golde:

"What words of wisdom can I give them,How can I help to ease their way? Now they must learn from one another, day by day."

There is a lot of truth to that statement for every couple.  We are blessed with wonderful family and wonderful friends but day by day we care for one another.  It's beautiful, messy, sometimes complicated, but forever and always worth it.  We've grown in pointing the other to Christ and understanding better when to help or stand back.  I'm sure we will continue to grow in it as there is always more to learn!  But I wouldn't trade this man for anything. 

Until next time, I'll be here grateful and ever learning what sacrificial love looks like lived out.

6 months since we got married

Dear Richard (an open letter) –

6 months ago, you showed up to our wedding!  I was never worried that you wouldn’t.  You’ve been faithful and committed since the day we decided to start dating (Now 1 year and 18 days ago).  You’ve joined me in living in Janesville, let go of a beloved job, and took a risk by taking another to spend more time with me.  You work hard providing what we need.  You’ve rescued me from myself several times and supported risks that could jeopardize both of our comforts.  You’ve reminded me of the gospel when I forgot.  You stood by my side when I was reasonable and unreasonable.  You gave into my begging and we adopted the two cutest kittens.  Admittedly, it wasn’t that difficult to convince you.  We’ve celebrated holidays with family and spent time with friends.  We've made our little apartment home.  You tell me you love me all the time because you know I need to hear it.  You are kind, thoughtful, quick to forgive, quick to make the first move in resolving an issue, trusting, trustworthy, honest, funny, brilliant, fashionable, and extremely good looking.  You are more then I could have hoped for and way more then I deserve.  

I’m convinced that even amidst the difficulties, stresses, and challenges the last 6 months have brought on.  Life with you is better.  If I had to choose a constant, it’d be you.  If a weeping angel sent you to the past, I'd follow after you without a second thought.  

It’s been a great 6, here’s to another 720+ months. 

Love you.

Letting Go

If you had the chance to succeed at doing nothing or have an uncertain outcome to what you want to do, which would you choose?

It's obvious, isn't it?  Even failing at your own dreams is better than never finding out if you can achieve them, right?

The trouble is so often we choose the first.  We so often refuse to start.  Dreaming without ever putting action to reality is SAFER then venturing out.  Safe is not the same as good.  Safe generally does not get teamed up with the word adventure.  Who really wants to get to the end of their life and say - "I lived too safe, I never took any chances."  Without taking risks we are left with only the mundane.  While many of us may have settled for mediocrity, very few would say they desire to live a mediocre life.  That's why kid's dreams are usually big - they want to be a firefighter, superhero, or a doctor.  How many of us are living our childhood dreams?  A few, true.  But many go onto choose another path.  Sometimes for great reasons, a new calling or dream, but other times because the challenge to getting there is simply not one they are willing to take.  For a long time I wanted to be a dolphin trainer, that is until I decided Science and I wouldn't get a long.  I gave up that dream as quickly as it came when even the slightest adversity hit.  Now, I like what I'm doing now so I'm glad I made that choice.  But I wish I had not given up that dream because I hated science.  I wish I had given it up for the passion of helping people.  

Safe is not what Jesus called us to.  Following Him always means risks.  But it is in the risk of losing everything, you find true life.  Choosing the safe path is often born out of fear.  If you don't believe me, read this parable: Matthew 25:14 - 30.  The parable of the talents.  The "it" Jesus is referring to in verse 14 is the Kingdom of Heaven.

14 “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants[a] and entrusted to them his property. 15 To one he gave five talents,[b] to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away. 16 He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more. 17 So also he who had the two talents made two talents more. 18 But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master's money. 19 Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. 20 And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’ 21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.[c] You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’ 23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest. 28 So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. 29 For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance. But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away. 30 And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Investing your life into Jesus' Kingdom will involve risks.  Sure, it doesn't mean you should find the most dangerous place you can find and go hang out there.  But, it does mean being willing to go wherever God calls.   And that means being willing to pursue the danger and being willing to give up your comfort or security for the sake of something better.  It is not promised that you will be successful or you always will feel great doing it.  But I guarantee that not a single person who gave up their desires or even their life for Jesus are complaining.  Nope, Jesus is worth everything.

So today, I'm letting go.  Letting go of my preconceived notions and letting go of my comfort.  I'm diving into the a sea of the unknown because I want to be able to say to Jesus - I attempted to do as you asked.  My failing or success is ultimately in His hands but if I never try, my failure is on my shoulders. That is not a weight I wish to bear.  He can bear the weight of what will happen, His shoulders can more than handle it.  Ultimately and at the end of the day, I want to please Him.

Routine

One aspect of every single morning for me includes a visit from one of my favorite furry friends, Luke the kitten.  His sister doesn't do this, but Luke and I have a routine.

Richard and I wake up in the morning. Richard gets up and starts getting ready for the day.
I stay in bed.  Luke hops up and cuddles next to me for 20 minutes or so.
I pet him, he purrs, everything is delightful.
I am convinced he enjoys this as much as I do.

I never have trained him to do this.  He started doing it on his own.
Now, I adore my kittens and there is pretty much not a thing they can do that will change that.
Were he to stop, I'd be disappointed but my feelings for my kitten wouldn't change.

I was thinking about how much I treasure our routine today and throughout to myself, how much more does the Lord God of heaven and earth treasure time with His people?

Much more.  I guarantee it.  God is perfect and is love.  So His love is so much more then anything I have to offer to a kitten.  God loves it when we seek His face.  He invites us all throughout scripture.  When Mary and Martha are hosting people at their home.  Martha busy's herself preparing the food and Mary neglects it all to sit at the feet of Jesus.  Martha complains wanting Mary's help, but Jesus affirms Mary's choice as the better choice.  (Luke 10:39-42)

Time with Jesus.  It's the most important relationship you have.  Do you give any of your time to it?
Everyone has 24 hours in a day.
But time spent with Jesus is by far the most precious.

If you aren't, I recommend setting aside time right now to spend with Jesus.
How to do that?  It's easy - it may look different for you on any given day but here are a few good starting points:
Pick up a devotional, allow that to lead your heart to seek God.
Open your bible and read - reflect on what it is you are reading.  Ask the Holy Spirit to give you understanding.
Pray with the intent to both speak and hear from God.
Go for a walk and talk with God along the way.
Put some worship music on and sing to the Lord.

Whatever you do, don't neglect this altogether important routine.  If you are like me, you will intentionally plan to spend time with Jesus and then suddenly find 1,000 things to do first.  This is normal.  No, the 1,000 + things are not more important than this time you've set aside.  Resist the urge to put time off with Him and set aside that time as a daily routine.  Run away from distraction and run to Jesus.

I know that both of you will appreciate the daily routine of connecting.  Trust me, we need time with Him, He is more important than our very breath.

Join me in avoiding living so catastrophically

I've decided that it is best to avoid emotional causing extremist words such as : "always, never, etc." when it comes to predicting the future or describing the past. It seriously never works.

I'm sure you've heard of this.  A friend may say to you, "I can just never get this right", or a family member in frustration declares, "you always do this!".  Oh the fun of stirring the pot emotionally.  The trouble is it rarely solves, assists, or benefits the speaker or the listener and usually just creates bigger emotions on both sides.  

The bible says to live in Today.  That sounds much better to me.  If I lived in yesterday, I would easily blanket paint over everything negatively and say that I never can achieve a goal because I never have before.  But Jesus also invites us to live in the newness of His mercy and grace every day.

So what I was yesterday, is not what I am today, and not what I have to be tomorrow.  We are not prisoners of who we were and have no business becoming prisoners of what we think we will be or not be tomorrow.   Live for today, it is not only healthier it is the grace given to you for the moment.

Yesterday, I became stressed that I could not achieve the goals I have for 2015.  Today, I will choose to do what I can in each moment by the mercy of Jesus Christ.  May the grace of God carry me through until tomorrow.

May His mercy grant you the strength you need for today.