Day by Day

In the stillness, I know who God is.
When my thoughts and hurts stop screaming out, I can sense Him.
Reminding me again that this life is about Him.
What I make of it fades, and for a minute I can breath deeply.

In those moments, I can praise His name.
I forget about me and find Him.
I'm certain God breaths in a sigh of relief - "Finally, she sees!"

My thoughts go to the Psalmists who cried out to the Lord
DAY AFTER DAY
and waited.

I cry out for a
MINUTE
and expect a response.

But this life is a gift from Him.
Good gifts come to us from the Father.
Thus, this present moment is a gift.
Not my idea of a gift, but I must trust in Him.

So, I suppose I will join in with the Psalmists,
crying out to my Father day by day and await His response.


I trust in two verses:

Psalm 27:13 - I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

and

Isaiah 40:31 - but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.


Alass, the moment fades. Thoughts begin to crowd in. Emotions overwhelm. But I remember the moment of clarity. I will draw close to the One who loves me. Again and again I shall return for there is NO other peace.

Be Warned

Give your sorrows into the Hand of God. He can carry them.

I should warn you. Doing this does NOT guarantee: a solution to your problem, happy feelings to replace your sorrow, or an overwhelming sense of His presence. Quite frankly, bringing your sorrows to God does not guarantee anything except knowledge that He alone can carry them. I can pretty much guarantee that if you are willing, your heart may be guided to acknowledge HIM as God.

Here's the thing: God is fully capable of filling our hearts with joy, bringing back the dead, healing the sick, solving your problem, and also certainly capable of allowing you to feel his presence in a way that would change your life forever. That doesn't mean he will. He is God, not a jukebox. He is infinite and you are a mere finite being. Do you really feel you can tell God how to act towards you? He has already provided His Son as a sacrifice and payment for your sins. Does God owe you anything? He does not. God is gracious and merciful and will often respond to the cry of his broken hearted child. But in His perfect knowledge and understanding, there are times when He will respond in other ways that may be uncomfortable at the time.

I would urge you to allow God to respond as He desires. It is for your good. Your times are already in His hands, give Him your heart as well and wait. For your Deliverer and Savior will work things out for good. But sometimes, you just have to wait and Trust in who He already said He is, and revealed to you in the past. Many have died waiting for His hand to restore and redeem. But trust me, they now understand his restoration and redemption. God is amazing enough to do so many good things for us while we are here. But, life is NOT for our happiness. It's a ridiculous notion that we should pursue happiness. Pursue righteousness and holiness and stop looking for temporal happiness.

I believe God will conform our desires to match His so we might as well stop fighting. ;)

When all else fails

Answers fade
Meaning becomes illusive
Quick-fixes fail again
Temporary solution burn out

In those moments, we have to walk in the midst of what hurts and burdens our hearts.


In the pain and questions of life I feel the intense calling out of the Lord to seek His face. In the joys, I will glance up and praise God for what has been given. Okay, I do that on occasion, certainly not every time. I praise the Giver and enjoy His gifts. In the hurt and pain, I seek Him. I experience WHO He is and not only his bountiful supply. Sometimes the pain and heartache remains despite His presence. That's alright, it is a part of our life. But there is something so deep within that finds fulfillment in those moments. Something more tangible and more real that I could ever express.

God is real. I know because He loves me. His acceptance of you (and me) is something we can barely comprehend. When I am with others, the question may arise as to whether or not I am being too much of a certain characteristic. "She's too boring, crazy, talkative, focused, unfocused, spiritual, worldly, etc. etc. etc." We love to simplify and criticize one another. With God, there is no need to pretend to be anything that we are not. He accepts us as we are and loves us unconditionally.

I am quite unloveable this evening, but God's love remains. What a glorious mystery that I will happily spend the rest of my life only grasping at such deep truths of His undeserved, free gift of unmerited love and favor.

A Severe Mercy

It is in gratitude that I find myself compelled to write this note. I just finished reading A Severe Mercy by Shedlon Vanauken. Truly, I was drawn to this book from the very first word until the last. It is an autobiographical story of Sheldon's love for his wife "Davy", the story of their walks to faith in Christ, his dealing with his grief over her untimely death, and throughout the book his friendship with C.S. Lewis. I must admit, this look at C.S. Lewis is refreshing and real. A view from a friend instead of the many admirers of his books and theology. His letters that he wrote to Vanauken which are shared are also poignant and refreshingly raw.

My heart is full after taking this little journey into Mr. Vanauken's life. I am moved at the depth of relationship two folks can find in a shared love but moved perhaps even more profoundly by the relationship all three of them (Lewis, Vanuken, Davy) had with their God. I find myself in awe with Vanauken at the severe mercy of God's hand on his own life. A view one can only take after long reflection and humble submission to God.

I am indebted to the book for leading me on a journey to question my own relationship with my Lord which led me to realizing the chasm that is felt between us is more often than not due to my pursuits of things other than Christ. After all, my all is to be found in Him. I need not venture to find other hopes, dreams, love, satisfaction, security, adventure, or anything else outside of Him. When I am following closely after my Lord, I will find that He is the author and perfect0r of my faith and the most perfect guide for my life. As this book illustrates, when we die to ourselves, we find our life in Him and our true joy. It's crazy...I know.

I would encourage anyone looking for a quality read to pick this book up. This story like so many of our own stories reveals the beauty that is often found amidst deep and personal tragedy and enduring love.

Far too often, I desire to share quotes from beloved books that I have come to cherish but I often find them inadequate at revealing the tone and beauty of the books as a whole. This time is no different. So much of the beauty is found in the whole not in part.

So, be blessed dear friends near and far, tagged and untagged. The fact that you took the time to read my little note means the world. May you find rest in the untamed and often misunderstood mercy of our God.

It's raining outside. Feels fitting for my heart is heavy. I do not believe God would withhold a precious gift to his son or daughter without a greater reason behind it. God grants many wonderful gifts to his children. He is my heavenly Father and just as my earthly father wouldn't withhold a gift he could provide, neither would my heavenly one. So it is no use to fret and wonder why I am living in the current circumstances that I am. Clearly, this is where God has me in this moment. Why is acceptance so hard? Especially when my basic needs are provided for. What a joy it is to have shelter, food, family, friends, and a job. I am so beyond blessed yet it feels so easy to look around and see what is absent from my life. Instead of looking towards the absences or lacking places in my life - I should be focusing on the wonderful gifts. Even the ability to write my thoughts out on this blog is a gift. Still, my eyes drift to the lack. Oh Lord, lift my eyes and my heart.

Nothing but Jesus

Nothing But Jesus, nothing but Jesus, nothing but Jesus will do.

I cannot hope in this or that.

I cannot ward off all despair.

What can I cling to in this 'ol life?

No, nothing but Jesus will do.

There is no gain from all this toil.

All must rot or chip away.

Everything will end it's true.

So, nothing but Jesus will do.

Seeking to gain for just ourselves

Why do you seek and strive this way?

Oh dear heart, take care to learn

Nothing but Jesus will do.

Though I obtain my hearts desire

and win the love of my fellow men

Surely, its good to lay it down

For nothing but Jesus will do.

Just call me Overcomer

I never learned to have that "fight" in me. I'm beginning to learn. Working out with a Personal Trainer has taught me one thing - I get lazy REAL quick. Most recently, we met up and I just didn't have any drive in me. Instead I kept glaring at him, rolling my eyes, and fighting him on everything he told me to do. I did it, sure, but without heart. He finally talked me into playing catch (one-legged) with an exercise ball. Despite myself - it was fun.

I realized later my problem. I've been working hard for a month and I see some results but nothing dramatic. My skin is still horribly flawed, still carrying some extra weight, my wrists are proving their weakness, and I am still not queen of the gym! This is usually when I duck out of a task, deciding that it's not for me. But I WANT this, dang it.

What do I want? I want to overcome the little girl who gave up constantly on athletics. All around me, I saw folks who were bigger, faster, stronger, and way more coordinated. I knew I was given the body for it, but I just couldn't make the cut. I want to overcome the girl who sat down during kickball because it was a moot point, who gave up on track, who would show promise but then fail miserably. I remember being the girl never playing sports at recess and the one who was never picked. I remember wanting to cry after attempting volleyball or my mortal enemy - dodgeball. I recall the fear of gym class, the shame of the locker room, and the emptiness of always being last. I recall my teacher having to save me from the fireman's pole in the tire yard. I am also the girl who has quit 4 gyms before this attempt. I was last at whitewater rafting and needed the lifeguard to help tow me home!

But don't be fooled - this isn't all about athletics. I want more than that. I want to be a person of purpose and determination. I need to let go of my fear of failure. You see, if something doesn't come naturally - I quit. Hang around me enough and you'll find out it's true. I quit color guard in college because it was a way new level compared to high school. I've dropped Spanish MULTIPLE times. I've quit at least 4 instruments including the drums which still makes me sad. I slept through Biology because I decided I couldn't hack it...still got a "B" though. I quit going through challenging english classes in high school my senior year because I think I was tired...instead I threw myself into AP History and Stats - miserable fail btw. Sure, some of this is typical attempts at trying to discover "who you are" but it is far more often quitting when it took serious effort to try. I've quit efforts to go on a mission trip. I've left a thousand and one pet projects.

It's all about protection of my heart. I throw my heart into things and when it fails, I fall. I am willing to suffer pain for the sake of finding the one who God designed for me to become "one" with. I think love is a beautiful thing and I am willing to suffer endlessly for it. It may be foolish, but I have never closed myself off to people and I hope I never do.

But to throw my heart into competition and skill - that is another matter all together. That is a SURE heartbreak, in my eyes. I am undisciplined, untrained, and I feel that everything I want, I am already 20 steps behind other folks. Naturally, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I remember after deciding to follow Jesus with my whole heart. I asked for a nice Bible for my birthday. I was asked what I would do if I wasn't "into that" soon after my birthday. That caused me a lot of fear. I am happy to report, due only to the grace of God, He has NEVER let me go and I am His for life.

I have decided that this year, year 26 is time for me to start living life better. I started off by having a Micro Lending party to support Catherine in another country. It was scary and hard at times, but we did it! We raised enough $$ to support her and assist two others. It was a totally awesome God thing. But I did learn, that God can do great things when we follow the plans HE lays on our heart.

I criticized a friend in the heat of the moment last week, blaming "people like him" for me being the way that I am. He didn't let me get away with that which I am thankful for. If he would have completely shrugged it off, I wouldn't have realized the craziness of what I just said. I am where I am and who I am because of choices I have made. I don't regret many for I am here now and now ready to truly live.

This is about the 5th blog I've started this year so far and I am FINALLY completing one. Yay.

I will continue to work out at the gym as I am forced to learn that it is in perseverance that we often attain our goals. I've always heard about neighborhood millionaires. Ya know the ones. The folks who quietly put aside money who work at normal jobs. They've never won the lottery, they have just been frugal and wise with their finances for a long time. They are truly great with money. I'm not that into money and frankly I cannot focus on how to fix everything in my life at once. But there is something to be learned about folks who quietly but doggedly pursue what they are after.

Someday I will have something to show for my determination. Maybe. But either way, I am thankful to be learning the art of perseverance. God helping me, I will overcome my tendency to "roll over and die" before the fight even begins. God willing, I will run in a marathon as a part of Team World Vision.

I will overcome my battles with God helping me. I will be an overcomer to the glory of Christ. My true reward will be eternity with Him. But for now, I will content myself in learning to run the race set before me - whatever that looks like.